Lord Jesus, I need the exact whip you used to beat fools who were doing biashara in the synagogue instead of worshiping Jehovah. But why? I want to whip the 21ST century women who claim to be feminists, tough and ambitious and still stoop low to a boy (no man can offer this nonsense) who offers come we stay arrangements!
Yes, women I’m just about to give you a short, tough sermon because we are headed fast in a very dangerous direction! Before I start, I beg to take you to memory lane. Remember the days when Njeri your single mother sold everything (except her soul) to take you to a prestigious school up until the University of Nairobi where you graduated with a Master’s degree? She prayed each day that your life will be better than hers and that you will succeed beyond her imagination - you did. She took you to church and even prayed that you don’t get pregnant out of wedlock and thanks to P2, that didn’t happen! So why on earth do you forget all that advice and move in with a boy you barely know? Now pull your stool (you don’t deserve a sofa here) as I give you a few reasons as to why you should avoid this rubbish!
1. You are precious: Woman don’t you know that Adam was a first draft and Eve was a masterpiece? God designed the woman after he made man because we are just so special! Quit offering yourself for free because you are so damn expensive!
2. A man needs a job before getting a woman: I know all the men are loading their guns right now- go ahead and shoot! Adam was given a garden before he was given a woman. So don’t be tempted to house your boy (as I said earlier huyo si mwanaume) in the name of love simply because he is broke! Let him go and hawk sweets in a citihoppa but don’t feed or even dare to think of housing him!
3. You will age prematurely: Any boy who doesn’t want commitment will get you admitted to a mental hospital faster than you can pronounce IEBC! He will cheat on you, eat your cash, demand lungula every day and crown that package with two babies and a serious STI! Shindwe!
4. Your mind will retrogress: In short you will become dumb! Mjinga! I know you are wondering why; instead of engaging your mind on how you will get to the corner office or buy that kaplot in Syokimau, your mediocre mind will just be thinking of getting his mama the latest vitenges from Ghana in a bid to make him propose. What demon is that?
5. Cheap labor services: Your worth will be on the same level with a mop, a washing machine (you) and a sufuria. You will wash his underwear (which has toured all counties), clean the house, cook him a five star meal (with your hard earned cash) and give him babies but this ego centered fool will never wife you! Save your manicured nails!
6. You deserve a good man: Good men still exist (they are countable in Kenya though) and all you need is a little bit of patience as you eat life in a big spoon (read big house).You deserve a man who will worship the ground you walk on, a man who will honor you and love you like you are the only precious person left because guess what- you are!
7. Blood pressure is fatal: It kills, yes I said it. Stop doubting me! So girl, please quit all the desperate moves, don’t listen to fools who tell you that the come we stay will be legal after six months. If he can’t put his ugly signature on a marriage certificate, run for your life!
8. What God puts together, let no man lay asunder: Sermon can’t end without mentioning the author of marriages. God does not bring to you confused breed of boys. He brings you gentlemen. Gentlemen like Joshua who said ‘as for me and my house, we shall serve the lord!’ Gentlemen who will guide you and honor you, gentlemen who will give you cute babies with small noses and great minds like yours truly. So I shall spare my whipping session for now but please, leave these boys alone, I beg! Can I get an Amen?