A couple of weeks ago, I wrote something on omera ladies and that got me into deep trouble, the kind that you wish went unnoticed.
But I made my own bed, I just had to lie on it. As we speak, I'm a persona non grata in the great republic of Kisumu and my sisters have suspended all forms of communication with me until further notice. My greatest critics have blocked me and even unfollowed my blog but as they say, blood is thicker than words and counter actions. Sooner or later, they will come to. And for my mother, well, I'm safe from her verbal warfare.
Apart from the dialer and message icons, she can't navigate through her phone without help, and the same way there is the bro code and siz code, we also have a sibling code. No snitching to the old geezers about nothing. You got beef with me, we handle it ourselves, if it gets out of proportion, we bring in a mediator, most likely one of us. There is no way mom will ever get to see that. Luo ladies aside, I'm here today to warn my team mafisi brothers on the type of birds we should never chase, whether sober or under the influence of a strong concoction of waragi.
Forget all the hype of Luos, whom if you are not a man enough, you can't handle. They (not Luos) have the traits that we as the greatest Sacco within and beyond the continent detest. Some that when your mother sees, she will sire another daughter and raise her well for you to marry rather than them. Here is the list of the plagues to avoid.
Daddy's little angel- It's without question these are spoilt brats. They will want a man to treat them exactly as his fat bellied dad treats her. You will have to get her the very stuffs he gets her, take her to those fancy restaurants where they can have photoshoots (why do pics from such places come out unusually good...they have to be seen in Instagram). This is because she is used to such places thanks to the spendthrift geezer. However, unconfirmed reports claim they love hard, though it will be harder to love them back. So if you are surviving on Helb, meager pocket money your mum occasionally sends you after taking half a century convincing her you are completely out or the occasional Sportpesa handouts, know you can't get her what a six figure salary gets her. RUN AWAY!
Dancer- If you are the jealous type like your boy here, you will die before your due date because of the emotional torture. If you have two left feet like a sister in law and a deficiency in dancing skills, you will always see her in the arms of another man, doing moves that should I describe here, Ezekiel Mutua's KFCB may outstretch their mandate from regulating films to that of published media because however shallow my descriptions shall be, they will still get a space in the next edition of the Kamasutra publications, all in the name of dance. Needless to say, she will never spice things up with acrobatic turns during your escapades.
The sports lady - Woo unto you if you happen to date the captain of the women's national rugby team or the athletic marathoners who are darker than soot. They can be very physical, and can beat stupidity out of you should you turn up in the house smelling like a brewery past curfew hours. And did I mention they are not always the best beauty queens? Now you know....With big brother(s) If she happens to have a big male figure other than the dad or someone in the same age bracket, she will have had an apprenticeship on team mafisi investigation. She will smell a player from miles away. What do you expect from a person who has observed his big brodas play their girls? They know all the tricks in the books too well so unless you have a new manual on the game that we can share, know you can't beat her wisdom here. If you are the one girl type of a person, you are free to try your lack here.
Tomboys -I kinda have a thing for these ones. I like their "I don't care" attitude. They don't need the constant pampering and assurance that they are the ‘only one’. For a person who from as young as ten years was in a boys' only boarding school, I have to admit, treating girls like queens hasn't been a joyride for me. Having someone whom I can talk to and treat the very same way I do with my homies is more than welcome. However, who does not want attention from their prayer partner? The emptiness you will feel whenever she's away will make you go after another girl, one who will be nagging. It's better to be disturbed but feel cared for.
Smokers - If she inhales any substance apart from oxygen and other gases we know from basic primary school science (secondary chemistry will complicate things), know that there is no future for the two of you. If by chance you take things further and you have some puppies together, they may come out having cancer just like their mother. And who will like to present a girl whose nose and mouth gives out thick smoke like a vehicle’s exhaust?
Taller girls- Unless you are the tallest persona in the history of NBA, know difficulties will be there when reaching for her lips when you want to lock... You will have to be on your tip toes to get to them which is contrary to the unwritten rules and regulations of kissing that stipulates that she's the one to stretch out. And my brothers, if she's the high heels kind of person, I pity you.
I also have a thing against Extra short ladies, but due to conflict of interests, I'll keep it to myself. Politicians and lawyers date either of them and the Constitution will be changed in their favor whenever you have disputes. Their job description requires them to be quick with their tongues, so know a game of words with them is a lost match. They can be intimidating and make you aware of the insecurities you never knew you had.