Museveni to invest in Salons to win elections Photo: Courtesy

Election season in Uganda has brought out many promises but they all seem to be skewed in favour of men. Leading presidential candidates are bent on giving all the goodies to sons of Adam and let the daughters of Eve continue suffering.

I prefer to look at the big offers made by the incumbent because well, he is the president and has the power of signature. He gives while his opponents just make conditional promises which they might or might not fulfill if they get elected.

Most recently, President Yoweri Museveni offered two million Uganda shillings (six hundred dollars) to every group of men who sit around a pot of local brew called ‘malwa’ on daily basis in the country. Think Busaa.

My good president, better known as ‘Mzee’ these days, has reasoned and correctly so, that these malwa groups have a powerful potential of mobilising local savings.

Okay, this may be true because malwa revelers have from time immemorial been contributing at least one dollar per week each in their pot groups, long before the Sacco fads picked up a couple of decades ago. At the end of the year the Ugandan drunks break their piggy bank open — these days they use bank accounts and keep proper records — and they blow all the money, Sh5,316 ($52) times the number of members, on a big Christmas party.

These damn groups are all over the country but not a single one of them has a woman member. Now they are going to be given Sh 61,340 ($600) each. Where do the women, who hold majority of the votes, fall in the picture, besides nursing the hangovers of the guys after their bash?

Where women get breaking news

If Mzee Museveni really cares about my vote, he should make a similar offer for every gossip group  based in a hair salon in every neighbourhood.

These salons also play a big role in the life of the nation. That is where the woman of Uganda, the mothers of the nation, get breaking news and updates of what is going on in the country and the society around them.

This is where we learn of new investment opportunities, be it new mobile money trade packages or quail eggs from Kenya. And can you imagine what would happen to our families if we did not have gossip groups in hair salons? All our men would be ‘stolen’ without our knowledge. But thanks to the salon gossips, we get to hear about the dangerous new girls in the neighbourhood and we watch them carefully.

Before offering the male drinkers $600 per pot group, Mzee Museveni also directed that 18 million jembes be bought this year. It was an order to the Prime Minister, which the President’s press secretary posted all over social media.

I bet the hoes are already being manufactured and will be flown into the country soon before the PM loses his job!

And who do you think is going to use the hoes? The women of course. Eighteen million of them?

That is exactly half the population of Uganda, which means one hoe per woman and every girl child. So the men get cash for their pot groups and the poor women get hoes to spend the whole day bending over under the sun in the gardens! Banange! Life is not fair.

So Brother Museveni, if you want my vote, declare $600 for every salon gossip group or else you can count only on your fellow men to vote for you this time. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!