It takes an old man to tame a wild woman

Just as some men ooze machismo, some women have this mystical attraction, what we Coasterians call mvuto, that makes it so difficult to turn your eyes from them when they tiptoe down the street.

But the wise old men who come to Kahawa Tungu advice that you should never fall for the type unless you want to spend the rest of your miserable life fighting her secret and not-so-secret admirers.

One such woman at our locale is Mishi. All the boys, young and old, dream about her day and night and whenever she comes up for discussion in Kahawa Tungu, fellows extol her, er, virtues for hours on end.

Mishi apparently is a serial divorcee who cannot stick to one man due to the many offers she receives on a daily basis. She is a celeb everybody claims to have owned, if you know what I mean.

“I took her for a holiday in Lamu and the experience was out of this world,” claims Mwinyi, the local gigolo.

“What you say is nothing compared to when she eloped with me,” scoffs Matano, the man who notched her first ever divorce.

The boys swap their fond memories until Muhsisn, a mzee with a rasping voice, says that he has what it takes to tame Mishi’s wayward ways.

“In my day, we could easily cure hyper-sexuality with divination and herbs,” he announces.

We were all taken aback for we knew Mishi Could chew and spit the old geezer like he was a bitter lemon.

ONCE AND FOR ALL

“Mzee, you are well past your time. The women who used to look at you with glazed eyes as you shaved will nowadays just stare as you shine your shoes,” he was warned. “She will not even touch your hand.”

Muhsin waited for them to finish their ridicules and then calmly told them he had a plan that would permanently wrest Mishi from her current partner and fuse her to him once and for all.

“After I am done with her, she will be a truly married woman for the first time in her life,” he intoned, oozing confidence.

WORSHIP HIM

The plot was hatched right there at KAHAWA Tungu with skeptical inmates rolling their eyes. Initially, Mr Mishi, as we used to scandalously refer to her current partner, used to come in full of spirits and would down copious amounts of the dark liquid before announcing to all and sundry that he was heading home to train that lewd woman to worship only him.

Then the divination sessions followed and that is when all hell broke loose.

“Mzee Muhsin was conducting the ceremony in his hut but he just vanished with the patient, sorry Mishi, into thin air!” a breathless Mr Mishi bust into Kahawa Tungu and announced as he wailed uncontrollably. That he had lost his crush to an old man only made his shame even worse.

Upon inspection of the hut, fake divination paraphernalia was recovered along with a handwritten goodbye letter to none other than Mr  Mishi: “Ngoma (drumbeats) za mzee echo louder and longer. I hope you understand, love Mishi.”

The two lovebirds have not been seen since.