My husband had a five-year affair with a woman at work but he won't change his job

The relationship ended some months ago, but I recently received a letter from the other woman telling me that it lasted five years.

Dear Coleen

After more than 30 years of marriage I have been told that my husband has had an affair with a woman who is employed by him.

The relationship ended some months ago, but I recently received a letter from the other woman telling me that it lasted five years.

I already knew about it by then, but my husband led me to believe the affair had been going on for only a year.

In the past we had some financial problems, which I didn’t make my husband aware of at the time, but this has now sorted itself out.

However, he claims this was the reason the affair started because she became a confidante and it developed.

There are questions I need answering, but he doesn’t see why.

He just refuses to talk about it and this usually ends up in an argument.

The bigger problem is that he still works with this woman, which I really struggle with, but he can’t see why this is a problem.

He has even taken her with him when they’ve had meetings that involved an overnight stay.

He claims he’s ashamed of what happened and that he loves me again, and that I need to move on and look to the future.

I try really hard to do this, but there’s always something there to remind me of what happened.

Do I need to get some help?

Coleen says

No, you don’t need help and what’s there to remind you is this woman – still working closely with your husband and accompanying him on business trips. It’s totally unacceptable.

And I’m afraid your husband has to talk about it if there’s any chance of you moving on.

It’s not as easy as just turning round and saying: “I love you again so get over it.”

It’s arrogant and insensitive in the extreme. He’s lucky you’re even trying to make it work.

The first thing you need to tackle is his work situation.

Does he need to work so closely with this woman?

Does he really need to add to your insecurity by spending nights with her on business trips?

The fact is he’s still seeing her every day and expecting you to put up with it.

The only thing you’re doing wrong is not laying down the law and if he wants your marriage to work then he’ll have to agree to whatever conditions you set.

Yes, at some point you have to put things behind you if you are going to move on successfully, but that’s very hard to do when this other woman is still on the scene.