Confessions: She is seeing another man, cries and threatens to commit suicide when I confront her

I am 22 and I’m in a relationship with a girl turning 20 soon. We’ve been dating for three years and I am enrolled in college while she is waiting for admission. Since we live far apart, she has taken advantage of this and is having a relationship with another man.

Whenever I confront her about this and threaten to leave her, she cries a lot and threatens to commit suicide. She also keeps begging for forgiveness.

We had promised to marry as soon as we stabilise with our lives and I am considering forgiving her but I don’t know what to do to ensure that this does not happen in future. Please advise me.

{Joel}

What the readers say:

Joel, you’re too young to worry about a future partner and I advise that you concentrate on your studies because that is the important thing for now. Your fiancée’s behaviour is a clear sign of immaturity. Leave her alone for now and think about your future.

{Victoria Wanjiku}

This relationship is headed nowhere and you will always have problems with her. If she cannot remain faithful now and she is still at home, what will happen when she goes to college where she will meet and mingle with all types of men? At 22, you still have a long way to go and this is not the right time to face such disappointments.

{Fred Jausenge}

Focus on what will benefit you in the long run. These are red flags in a relationship and you should never ignore them. Don’t wait and cry later that you wish you acted early. If she threatens to commit suicide, remind her that the death will be hers, not yours. You should expect much more than this if you decide to keep this relationship and marry her in future. Just go quiet on her and focus on your education. She will sort herself out.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

In future, never tell a woman you are leaving her. If you want to leave, just leave. Otherwise you cannot convince any of them that you are going to leave. This is a loose woman and she will only put you at risk of getting sexually transmitted diseases. Leave this woman and concentrate on your studies since you cannot chase two birds with one stone. Tread carefully as this world is full of potholes.

{Onyango Outha}

At your age, none of you is mature enough to sustain a serious relationship. I would suggest you give each other time to mature up and be sure each of you is for the other. Get done with your studies as she also gets time to do the same. Interact more as she also does the same. At present even decision making seems to be a problem between the two of you so give it a few  years before you make a decision.

{Tasma Saka}

Simon says:

Joel, thank you for your question and I commend you for what you are doing to secure your future. College is important for everyone who desires to have a good future but this can be easily messed up by other things that may not be of significant value at the moment. Having a girlfriend at your age is good and healthy but this is only if the relationship is working well for you. This one does not seem to be working. If anything, it is bringing stress and discomfort which could even affect your studies.

You say she takes advantage of your absence and is having a relationship with another man; if this is true then that is not the kind of girl that should be occupying your mind. If at 20 she is already cheating, by the time she is 30 she will have perfected this art so well that you will have absolutely no capacity to handle her. As a matter of fact, it is a good thing for her to be exhibiting such trait early and thus you have solid reasons to leave her and focus on what is really important for now and that is your education.

At 22, you are still young and the issue of marriage is a little too farfetched for you. There is a good woman out there for you and you will meet her when the time will be right. For now, you should focus on building good relationships in preparation for that time when you will be ready to settle down in marriage. This is a journey that will have its ups and downs; some ladies will hurt you, others will make you happy and others will remain just friends. There are also many other things you will need to put in place to sustain a good relationship and a marriage such as regular and reliable income e.t.c. but these will come with time.

For now, focus on the main thing which is learning and getting that college certificate and with this and as time goes by, everything else will fall in place. The last thing you need right now is a cheating woman. Those tears are most certainly crocodile tears and the threats to commit suicide are nothing but hot air. These are just tactics to keep you around her because she knows that you are just too good for her while she is of no significance to you with regard to your future.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

Joel, it is important to know and recognise the things you are able to do and those beyond you. By doing so, you can avoid putting unnecessary stress on yourself. One of the things that you are able to do is to forgive. Forgiveness gives you, and not necessarily the offender, freedom. So, you are right in forgiving your girlfriend.

What you cannot do, or rather what you have no ability to do, is control her behaviour. Her unfaithfulness has nothing to do with the distance between the two of you. Opportunities to cheat abound, it takes a resolution not to.

All the threats of suicide are nothing more than manipulation. If you meant that much to her, she would not even imagine cheating on you. Forget it, she is not about to die for you. There is also no guarantee that this behaviour has come to an end.

I also wish to bring to your attention that both of you could be too young for the kind of commitment you are demanding from yourselves. Let’s take into consideration that you have been seeing each other since you were teenagers. You are growing and exposing yourselves to new experiences. Your girlfriend clearing high school and getting to college will be quite an experience for her. Therefore, there is need for both of you to approach your relationship with an open mind. Just in case she changes her mind, it should not crush your life.

I have a feeling your girlfriend wants freedom from this relationship. On the other hand, it could be that both of you need to give each other a break from this relationship. Otherwise she needs to show her commitment for anything concrete to come out of it.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology