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Can I ever trust her after she lied about the past?


Dear Coleen

I have lived with a lady for 18 months now, having lost my wife to breast cancer a few years previously.

We’ve decided to sell my house and live together as we lived 25 miles apart and found the distance a problem – we were always travelling up and down the country to see each other.

She is a lovely lady who split with her husband after being unfaithful to him. My worry is that after we set the ground rules about being honest and respectful with each other she has broken promises and told lots of lies since we started our relationship.

I found out from other people that after her divorce she went off the rails and slept with lots of men, even though she was in a relationship with someone at the time.

I know it’s in the past and has nothing to do with me, and I do trust her even though she’s the biggest flirt you could ever meet, but now I don’t believe half the things she tells me. She’s always known how I feel about lies.

How can I deal with the fact that she clearly thinks there’s nothing wrong with lying to me?

I feel I’m at a crossroads in my life, having made some huge commitments such as selling my house and settling her debts, which I would never have done if I’d known what I know now.

Do you think we can still make a go of it or does a leopard never change its spots?

Coleen says

If you asked her directly about her relationships since her divorce and she lied to you, then I can understand you being upset. And it’s natural that her lies will make you question whether she’ll be honest in the future.

It seems to me as if you’re treating this relationship more seriously than she is, making big commitments and personal sacrifices.

Anyone is capable of making a mistake, but what’s important now is how she deals with it and if she can learn from it.

If she continues to break promises or lie to you then you have to let her know that you won’t stand for it.

Remind her of what you’ve invested in your relationship. Tell her that you’re thinking of leaving because you’ve been hurt by her lies and see what her reaction is.

Unless she’s willing to talk about these issues openly with you and accept that things have to be different from now on, I don’t think you can move forward.

Eventually you will just stop loving her and you’ll know exactly what to do.


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