Both parents should have one voice on the discipline of their children

They would rather have their say and way rather than hold hands with their spouses to show kids the right path.

Experts contend that it is a reality that spouses can’t gloss over but deal with it head-on for the sake of the kids and their union.

When Mercy and Joel, a couple living in Nairobi Pipeline estate, were dating they discussed and agreed on many matters, both mundane and vexing about marriage.

Leaving nothing to chance, they visited marriage counselors just to make sure theirs will be one full of nothing but bliss. And sure enough, a seamless union came to be and before long they were blessed with twin boys.

Mercy says that when the boys were three, the good rapport she had with her hubby took a beating thanks to different styles of parenting they were exploiting towards the kids.

“I realised that we didn’t factor the bit on how to shape the character of our kids in our early discussions. We were reading from different scripts. His was laissez-faire while I preferred a close, strict approach when mentoring the boys,” Mercy, a city high school teacher, narrates.

“I would not bend my rule that denied them any sweets and biscuits but when I was away, he would give in to the kids’ whims and let them munch packets of forbidden snacks. What followed was that the boys turned cold on the ‘selfish’ me but would be on their element when with daddy,” she says.

One voice

“Naturally, I felt undermined, betrayed and insubordinated while fearing that our sons will grow big-headed. I tried to make him see parenting from my perspective but he never took me seriously and I ended up sulking and brooding,” Mercy narrates.

She adds that what started as a small, petty even innocuous marital issue morphed into a full-blown marriage problem that dealt a heavy blow on their union.

However, their marriage was salvaged when the couple turned to their family friend and counselor who in no certain terms made it clear to them that they must speak with one voice if they wish their sons a good upbringing. After that, Mercy’s disciplinarian self was successfully tempered with her hubby’s leniency towards the kids.

It is common to hear a parent lay claim to the success of his daughter but when things go haywire such a parent will likely throw blame on his spouse for spoiling things.

Patrick, an attendant a city cyber cafe, says he saw his best friend resigned to fate when his wife pushed him to the back burner on matters of disciplining his teenage daughters.

“My friend couldn’t brook untoward behaviour from his three pretty daughters. He tried to maintain a strong edict in his kids. See, he couldn’t allow them to dress skimpily neither have friends he didn’t approve of but his wife was the complete opposite. She sided with the girls occasioning tension in the family.,” Patrick narrates,

“She would tell off her husband in front of the girls denouncing his act of caning the children as well as backbite him, pushing my good pal to choose the short cut: depression.

The man couldn’t help but see his daughters turn into lazy bums who left the estate awash with scandalous pre-marital affairs. His otherwise good name got soiled and wherever he went, he was met with disapproving eyes on his failure to stamp authority in his family. And as it was bound to happen, two of the girls dropped out of school having fallen pregnant and the family felt apart as accusations and counter accusations over the mess took centre stage,” he recounts.

Hot soup

Thomas Mutinda, a 33-year-old father of two who works in Nairobi, says the conflict afflicting families on how to mould kids stems from a wrong perception of equality from women.

“Many a modern wife and mother want to have a bigger say in matters family. Her opinionated and overbearing approach to her family is getting the better of her. In fact, she wants her hubby to play second fiddle and will oppose him, just for the sake of it on anything including on how to nurture kids’ behaviour.

 Couple that with the fact that she is with the children for a longer time than her husband, you will realise if her mission is to undo what he guided the minors on - she will  have her way. However, she will soon find out she is hot soup when the kids turn too rebellious and strong-headed to be handled,” Thomas says.

Millicent Kerubo, a mother of a three-year-old girl who is in her fifth year of marriage, blames fathers for a hands-off approach to their children’s development. She says that in many families that are lucky to have both parents, fathers are rarely at home as they are always on the run looking for money and then spend inordinately long hours in social places.

When they arrive home they make up for their absenteeism by splashing the kids with strings of presents forgetting to mentor them to grow well.

She explains, “During my days as a kid, a father was a father. He couldn’t countenance nonsense from his kids. Any misdemeanor was enough to earn you severe punishment. But a good number of current fathers spare the rod and spoil their kids.”

Millicent draws parallels between such spouses and high school administration where the deputy head teacher is a tough disciplinarian while the head teacher only comes him to cool things after his junior has painstakingly dealt with unruly students.

She goes ahead to cite the case of her husband, whom she accuses of being too lenient on their three-year-old girl. “He can’t stand to see his daughter drop a tear. He won’t say ‘no’ to her demands. Instead, he will soothe her when I make her cry and pamper her with all sorts of presents. It is getting to my nerves. I am worried the little girl will grow into a spoilt brat,” Millicent says, her face contorted with disappointment.

Experts contend that couples must find a way to work in harmony in bringing up their children. Wanjiku Waititu of Hekima Counselling Centre in Nairobi says when parents give conflicting guidance to kids, the confusion that the minors is so big and dangerous.

To her, the issue arises in a family where there is neither respect nor friendship between husband and wife.

“Being authority figures in the family, parents must sit down and agree on how to go about this delicate matter since kids are so keen on what the two do and say,” Wanjiku says. She encourages those who are engaged to attend counseling sessions for expert help on disciplining children.

Moral line

Wanjiku says that apart from parents who are cross-purpose there is another type of parent who could care less about their children’s moral upbringing and have left that task to the other spouse.

She warns that if a concerted effort isn’t exploited, kids will likely end up with bad character and parents will wrongly lay blame on factors like school.

“What happens when the spouse who is on top of things in making kids toe the moral line is away for long from home or, unfortunately, dies? “ She poses.

Jennifer Karina, a life coach, relationship expert and author of ‘Marriage Built To Last’ points out that while arrival of children heralds joy to a family, they do create conflict in marriages, which can drain and devastate an entire family if constant and mishandled.

“However, since conflict is inevitable and normal in all healthy relationships, it is essential not to avoid it but to address it. After all, two people cannot always agree on everything. Rather than altogether side-step conflict concerning kids, you must first understand what it is really all about,” the counsellor advises.

Karina says many families she had dealt with are dogged by conflicts over raising of kids that stems from differences on preferences and values on how to mould kids.

She adds that these differences may seem, to spouses, trivial and innocuous but actually is a ticking time bomb that has joined the long string of challenges posing a threat to the once hallowed institution of marriage.

“Spouses can’t afford to gloss over the matter; they must face it head on for the sake of their kids and their union,” Karina sums it up.