Help your child deal with aftershock

I recall some time in late 2011. I offered a lift to a couple with their 20-month-old daughter. A drunken driver swerved our way and hit us head on.

The force of the crash knocked the girl’s head against the window. The bump on her skull sent her into a seizure.

Luckily after seeing a doctor, all seemed well with the baby. I have kept contact with the family.

However, it wasn’t until I visited them during 2015 December holidays that I learnt that the girl, now five-years-old, still suffers fits. And whenever she comes near toy cars, she shoves them into a wall or slams them on the floor.

I felt concerned and talked to a friend who is a psychiatrist. He explained the aggressive play was her way of acting out her fears. It took her parents a while to realise this and in the meantime, her mental problems were neglected. She now suffers Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD.

All kinds of disastrous events such as floods, car accidents, muggings, and rape wound the emotions of adults. When children are exposed to these disastrous events, the assumption is that they would get over it. However, they suffer PTSD just like adults.

Children grappling with PTSD feel agitated and jumpy. They may have trouble sleeping or feel afraid to be left alone. Their attention may wander. They might dream about the disaster over and over.

Often these children cling to their parents and ‘regress,’ forgetting recently learned skills such as toilet training. To some, the future seems bleak: they don’t expect to have a career, marriage, or a long life.

Children can’t tell you their feelings after a trauma so they act them out. Doctors call it traumatic play. With psychiatric help, they can act out the event through play therapy and look for ways of dealing with their anxiety.

To overcome a traumatic event, you have to talk it out, play it out or work it out so the child doesn’t act it out destructively. The worst thing you can do is to ignore it because the hurt lingers.

Trauma never vanishes completely. Remnants of a disaster live with us always and make up our personalities. How can parents make sure their children emerge mentally intact after a disaster?

Here are some tips:

• Encourage your child to play out the trauma. Provide her with the right toys. For instance, in the case of a car accident, use a toy car and ask, “What happened to the people in the car?” Keep the discussion in the third person; don’t say, “What happened to you?”

• Ask the child to draw a picture. For children who find it difficult to talk about their feelings, artwork can reveal their inner thoughts.

• Promote independence. If you can give support, then gently push her away, saying, “I’m here for you, but I know you would want to do this by yourself.” The fears will soon disappear if you encourage your child to be independent, and only you can decide on the right amount of self-sufficiency to urge on your child.

• Talk. Reassure your child that the disaster is in the past, that she is safe now, and you are there to talk about it. Let her talk about how she feels. Realise that the worst part of being a victim is a sense of helplessness. Be ready to discuss it again and again.

• If PTSD symptoms persist, consider professional help. Tell your child that there are special ‘worry doctors’ who just talk.