How I overcame porn addiction

Ernest Wamboye, author of Lust and the City, together with his wife Waturi, runs Boy Meets Girl, a programme that coaches young men and women on relationships. He tells Soni Kanake about the inspiration behind his work and his redemption from addiction to pornography

Who is Ernest Wamboye?

I am an author, husband and father. I am a follower of Jesus Christ and a believer in working marriages. I am also artistic. I spend some of my spare time folding origami and doing theatre.

You are a crusader for absolute exclusivity in dating. In an era where there is so much test-driving, is that even a possibility?

It boils down to an emotional maturity issue. One problem with our generation is behaving as if we have engines instead of hearts. Dating for fun breaks hearts and creates a crop of people who don’t believe true love exists. We need to make up our minds about intentional relationships that head to the altar.

You are barely 30. At your age, aren’t you too young to be counselling couples?

Is wisdom contingent on age? There are 60-year-olds still running after 20-year-olds. I’m not sure that would be a good source of advice. You can never be too young to make mature decisions on sex and relationships. My wife and I lead by example and reference other couples whose marriages are working.

Why is there so much unrest in marriages today?

There are a myriad reasons. However, one major one is that our generation doesn’t understand love. We equate love to an emotional thrill. The problem is that emotional thrills don’t last and sometimes they are tied to lust. Lust never lasts.

There will always be someone better-looking, richer and more intelligent than your spouse. Love is a commitment first and a feeling second. If you understand this, you will not need to chase temporary thrills. Marriages that are built on shaky foundations like physical attraction do not last. Build yours on a foundation that stands the test of time. Build it on God.

Is there a proven recipe for a successful marriage?

Your marriage will not work simply because you are in love. You have to cultivate it on a daily basis. Your eyes and ears are windows to your soul. What you see and hear affects your mind, will and emotions.

You don’t have to sleep with them because they are better-looking than your partner. Stop looking for a way out; if you married them, there was something good in them when you said “I do.”

You struggled with pornography, which almost broke up your relationship. How did you get addicted?

My introduction to pornography was subtle; by watching bedroom scenes on my favourite TV series, which I enjoyed watching. With time, I started craving for more lust. It mutated into an addiction. Porn alters your mind and turns you into a pervert!

You can lust even after a decently dressed woman. It got worse and I thought that it was normal for men to lust after women. Eventually, I had to confess and get help.

You are now happily married and no longer a porn addict. How did you beat the urge?

Walking away from porn is not easy and requires a 180 degree turnaround. I had to destroy my source of sin; I deleted all my TV series collection and stayed away from lewd entertainment. I still do so today. A good marriage requires a man to have a pure mind. I also had to get an accountability partner.

When I sought help, a group of guys also confessed to struggling with porn and we ended up being an accountability group. You will be surprised at the number of men struggling with porn. Well, the last thing I did was to feed my mind continually with scripture. I needed to fill the void that had been created. Some days were challenging but eventually the desire died. Victory is possible!

You said porn is common among men. In their defence, some claim it helps them spice up things in the bedroom.

Not true. Several studies show that porn kills intimacy instead of sustaining or creating it. Unfortunately, men inevitably compare what they watch with the real woman at home. This obviously raises his expectations, which leaves him disappointed at home. It is not uncommon for men who watch porn to cheat on their women.

They are chasing after a fantasy. When you study the truth about the porn industry you learn that the women on the screen are actors and they portray ideals that cannot be attained or sustained in real life. Porn thrives on fantasy and deception. You may watch it together as a couple but in the long run it drives a wedge between your marriage.

So how does one spice up their marriage?

A marriage needs good communication, friendship and self-sacrifice. Learn your partner’s love language. Learn their fear buttons. A woman’s greatest fear is abandonment and emotional rejection; so be present and empathise with her emotions.

 On the other hand, a man’s greatest fear is disrespect; watch your tone and timing. Work on these things and the spicing will occur. Good sex doesn’t make a good marriage. It’s the other way around.

They say that the only woman who knows the whereabouts of her husband is a widow. How can a man overcome temptation?

I have learned that good looks can’t raise kids and can’t sustain a marriage. So you can’t keep running after every PYT (pretty young thing). The grass is not greener on the other side; it is greener where it is watered. Why not invest in your wife seeing as men are visual and enjoy some optical nutrition? I ensure my wife looks good.

Secondly, men must pursue God vehemently. The skirts in the street will confuse your marriage but only God can give you the resolve, maturity and discipline to strengthen it instead. Your mind is powerful. We must get out of the defeatist mentality that marriage doesn’t work. There are so many road accidents; does that mean we close down driving schools?

How do you reach out to youth on relationships?

We have a programme called Boy Meets Girl (BMG), that is held at CITAM Valley Road every quarter. I also do online counseling via my blog, www.penstrokes.co.ke.