Laughing at your wife’s resolutions

Despite being an intelligent woman, very proud, Carol subscribes to motivational nonsense. She reads Paul Coelho books. She is buys into the prosperity gospel, and can be touchy if you point out the obvious contradictions of a gospel that promotes crass materialism, when Jesus warned that a camel would sooner pass through a needle's eye than a rich man make it to heaven.

So, when you stumble upon where she has written her resolutions, it reads like a comedy script. You know Carol in and out. Even at her age, you wonder why on earth she bothers with resolutions that she will never memorize, much less keep.

After Christmas in the village, you expected that her top resolution is to never step there again, but it seems she has other clichéd, loftier ideas.

Take for instance her wish to lose weight. Of late, she has put on more kilos. Often, she can be a dedicated gym fanatic. But it is her eating habits that make it impossible to lose weight. She likes junk so much that it will take her working twice as hard to shed the kilos.

 But, it will be more strategic to go slow on the fried chicken. But can she? Only time will tell. What you know is that she likes her chicken and fries. Add the ice creams, snacks and sugar and you sympathize with her. It takes a lot to quit or work it out. You wish her luck.

Another thing on the list is her saving strategy. Carol is a picture of extravagance. She is fashionable and always buying things she does not need. She has more shoes than Imelda Marcos. And all the wardrobes in the house are full of her clothes.

She barely uses a quarter of her wardrobe, but she can't stop buying. Other than junk food and clothes, she is always coming with some furniture, some glassy thingamajigs to the house. So you wonder how exactly her strategy will work, beyond the cyclic chama merry-go-rounds.

Good enough, she wants to quit drinking all forms of alcohol. Good luck to her. Anyway, she is not that much of a drinker, but she likes good wine and occasional whisky - especially when with her tight-knit herd of friends. You can't imagine your house without a bottle of wine. Doesn't add up. But time will tell.

Carol also wants to go to church more in 2017. You want to laugh, but you can't exactly wish her bad luck with that. But she must learn to wake up early on Sundays. The earliest she has ever woken up on a Sunday is 10am. And that is because she had a flight at noon. She goes to church occasionally, but sleep gets in the way.

Of course, half the time too, she is nursing a hangover. When not hung-over, she goes on a movie-watching spree, and only climbs onto the bed in the wicked hours of the following morning and sleeps through half the day away. How is she to change this routine that has taken nearly a decade from both college and the post-college years to nurture? You are about to find out.

On your end, there are no resolutions, you let the years come and go. You are too smart for that.