Love isn't enough, decency holds marriage together

The effects of failed marriages rarely end with the couple (Photo: iStock)

Recently, I met a friend whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. The last time we met, we were both single, but a lot has changed since then. After spending some time catching up, she told me she had separated from her husband. I was surprised at first because I knew them both. Yet, sadly, such stories have become increasingly common.

Of everything we talked about, one thing she said stayed with me for a while. She said a couple doesn’t need to be in love to make the marriage work; all it takes is for each person to be a decent human being. Decency and respect shape how couples approach each other, especially during difficult moments, and that, ultimately, is what leads to a successful marriage.

Marriage lowers the expectations we build during courtship. Without those expectations, we probably wouldn’t marry in the first place. The castles we build in the build-up to marriage have a purpose. However, these castles eventually come down, one by one, and marriage is meant to stand on a different foundation. To my friend, that foundation is decency.

I recently came across a meme asking married people whether they would marry again if their current marriages ended. Surprisingly, only a small percentage said they would. The overwhelming majority said they would rather remain single. What has happened to “kwa kina ndoa”? Why are so many people becoming increasingly averse to marriage when, just a generation ago, some of our fathers were taking multiple wives almost as a badge of honour?

Many theories have been put forward to explain this shift. One of the most common is the rise of women’s empowerment, with some arguing that it has come at the expense of men. But that is not entirely true. Men have also made progress; women have simply advanced further in terms of social and economic empowerment.

With empowerment comes options, and with options comes agency. Women today are better able to make independent decisions, including the choice to leave a marriage or a relationship that no longer meets their needs or compromises their well-being.

I partly blame the shift from communal living to a culture of individualism and inward-looking structures. No parent can be everything to their children, especially when it comes to role modelling. Yet society assumes that every man naturally possesses the leadership skills needed to guide his household.

Younger generation

In the old days, the men in the village often compensated for one another’s shortcomings. They did not have to intentionally mentor the younger generation; children simply grew up watching how older men conducted themselves. Mentorship happened more by default than by design because life was guided by seasons rather than the clock.

Today, however, people have built walls around themselves that even religion sometimes struggles to penetrate. Time has become a precious commodity and when someone decides you are not worth their time, they simply do not allow you into their lives.

This shift has particularly disadvantaged boys, especially those who are not naturally drawn to sports or other outdoor activities. Sport gives young men opportunities to interact with older men in informal settings, where they observe, listen and learn from everyday conversations. Much of what men understand about relationships and marriage is absorbed through such interactions rather than formal teaching.

One area where many men struggle is choosing a life partner. That wisdom is rarely acquired from books or seminars. It comes from observing life and asking why one marriage thrives while another fails despite wealth, beauty or apparent compatibility.

Many men believe women are primarily attracted to wealth. Yet wealth often signals competence and dependability. As women have advanced, their expectations of partners have also evolved. Some men have adapted, while others have turned to the online “manosphere” in search of answers about masculinity and relationships.

Prof Egara Kabaji argues that when a voice gains widespread popularity, it is often addressing questions society has failed to answer. He points to controversial content creator Andrew Kibe as an example, saying his influence stems from filling that vacuum. Meanwhile, many women are simply looking for decent, respectful partners.

Broken relationships come at a high cost. Separation often leaves both partners carrying emotional, financial and parenting burdens, while children bear the greatest consequences.

Even after moving on, former spouses remain connected through co-parenting, with resources and attention divided between old and new families.

The effects of failed marriages rarely end with the couple. They can shape children’s emotional well-being, relationships and attitudes towards commitment for years to come, creating patterns that may echo across generations.