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Do not advertise your man's great attributes to these women

My Man

Threats can come flying, or crawling in, from any corner of life. But none beats the ‘kikulacho ki nguoni mwako’ variety (or in English, help, there’s a jigger in my coat).

We all remember ‘Jicho Pevu’ (KTN) sad saga surrounding a certain pastor prophet Victor Kanyari, he of ‘mpande mbegu’ (plant a seed) fame.

If men are wondering which kinds of animals are likely to chew their ‘female cassava’ it is these kinds of creatures. A chap who would publicly abuse a woman by fondling her breast in front of a congregation, what if you were ‘barren’ and went to such a false prophet for spiritual consultation?

These are the kinds likely to tell a woman, married even, that the Lord has shown them the ‘blockage,’ and they saw (in a vision) they were the plumbers to unblock it. And one wonders why many men are uncomfortable letting their ladies go for ‘kesha’ (overnight prayers). Just because God doesn’t sleep does not mean He needs your insomniac prayers.

But what about for the ladies? Who is the person most likely to be ‘husband-snatcher’ in your midst? Forget those old housewife tales about that shapely rural maid who cooks for the fellow, being at the front-line of ‘snatchers.’

 It is like being worried about the cute bar stewardess at the soccer lounge, or those ‘exotic’ ladies of massage parlours (who advertise themselves as being ‘Thai’ or something, but hail from a kijiji in Gichichi, Nyeri, just here).

We are talking ISIS - like threats to your man, who will be swept away like a stray cat caught up in a hurricane. Colleagues can be an immediate threat to your man. The obvious one is the attractive PA, especially if they take business trips together to other towns or countries, or if he’s junior in converse, even the ‘lady boss.’

Sometimes in work environments, folks can get to bond tightly – and a few in the wrong way. So if he is always speaking glowingly of ‘Samantha from Marketing,’ keep a sharp eye out for her when invited by him for the annual bash.

And then there are some men who like the Bible says in Proverbs, are like dogs that cannot resist returning to their own puke. Look, when it is over it is over! The Chinese say, ‘close the book.’ What is he still yapping on the phone about with his ex, or sending her ‘harmless forwards’ on WhatsApp long after they broke up?

The same applies to ‘baby mommas.’ Keep it strictly about Little Jackson. ‘There is no for going out for drinks on a Friday evening’ to discuss which kindergarten he should join in 2015.

Then there are those men who believe that a bird’s bush is worth at hand. Yes, neighbours can be good friends, if you still believe in Ramsey Street (and have not met Rakhman, the friendly neighbourhood terrorist); they can also mess your man.

Especially if he has a car, and you don’t leave for work together, and he keeps giving hot pedestrian Patricia a lift into town ‘kwa sababu ya matope.’ Don’t be surprised when Pat rains pussy-cats and doggers on that relationship of yours.

The worst kind of Iscariots, of course, are those close friends, and Lord forbid, relatives, who ‘steal’ your man. I know of an on-going case where a twin sister just gave birth to the son of her twin sister’s husband. Scandal galore.

Do not keep ‘advertising’ all your man’s glowing attributes all the time lest a friend decides to sample the much-praised product.

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