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Of Masaku 7s and my stool


The famous Masaku weekend was a rather boring one in our plot because most of the single ladies who live here were absent. There was no football match, so we wondered where they had gone. We often see them geared up for a football match, dressed in their fa vourite club jerseys. Most of them are supporters of the Green army also known as Kogalo.


Strangely enough, last Saturday, they were out by 6am - this time not fully dressed. Most of us did not see them leave. Who wakes up at 6am on a Saturday anyway? At least no one from our plot does that. My three-year-old daughter, however, saw them leave. She had gone to answer a call of nature. Our washrooms are outside you know, that’s how we roll.


We had a somehow boring afternoon this particular Saturday; you know we are used to having fun-filled afternoons as we assemble at Mama Mboga’s to talk about all the drama that had taken place in our plot during the week. Woe unto you if you were not part of the ‘assembly’ because as it is, you will be the topic.


That night, at around 10pm, we heard some commotion outside. At first, I thought it was the normal World Cup celebrations after a team had scored. How wrong I was! The noise became louder and the voices became familiar. I peeped through the window to see what was going on. That’s when I saw people fighting. Now that was a scene no one misses in our plot, I mean, no one! Hii ni udaku ya the whole week! I ran out to witness the fight. Nearly all the neighbours had left their houses at the same time to catch a glimpse. All our husbands were still out watching a World Cup match, so there was no room for pretending that you are a good wife peeping from the window. We were all out — even Tony Mochama’s wife who pretends she doesn’t gossip!


You know in our plot, we only have one bathroom that serves seven houses. The bathroom is located just next to the gate. When going to take a shower, apart from carrying your own water, towel na mawe ya kusugua mguu, you also have to carry a bulb! The landlord had given up on providing a bulb for the bathroom because every time someone would steal it.


So Mama Praxidese had just left the bathroom and gone back to her house before the Masaku Sevens team arrived from hell. Drunk and high on shisha, one of them, Pam, had decided to take a shower. Fortunately or unfortunately, Mama Praxidese had forgotten her bulb in the bathroom. By the time she remembered, Pam was already taking a shower. Mama Praxidese and Pam have been like water and paraffin since the day Pam slapped Praxidese for answering a call of nature at her doorstep. So she went banging on the bathroom door shouting at Pam to open and give her the bulb.


Pam, on the other hand, would hear none of it “Si ungojee nimalize kuoga, kwani mimi ndio nilikuambukiza memory lapse” Pam shouted “Nataka bulb yangu sahii, kwani hakukuwa na bafu huko Machakos ndio urudi kama uko mchafu?” Mama Praxidese shouted back.”


You know our bathroom is made of iron sheet and there is a huge space at the top to place your towel as you bath. Before we knew it, Mama Praxidese had picked a stone and hit the bulb through the space. The bathroom went dark and Pam screamed. She rushed out naked and started fighting with Mama Praxidese!


We were all cheering the fight; I had pulled a stool out and sat there to have a better view. We did not even notice our area chief walk in, he had heard the scuffle as he walked by and had rushed to see what was happening! He shouted once and everyone scampered to safety; he is a no-nonsense chief! Once we were caught cheering a fight and it earned us a thorough beating. I thought I was safe after rushing back to my house and locking myself in only to hear the chief shout “Wenye hizi stool nimechukua, mukuje kesho muniambie kwa nini mnapenda kuchochea vita!”

Photo: urbanexpressive.com


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