I love my husband, and I have always felt that together we were very intimate. But just recently, we had a huge row about how much sex we should be having.
I was sure we were having enough, but he says no, and now I am not sure either. And if we are really not having enough, how do we go about having more? There does not seem to be enough hours in the day!
Hi Not Enough!
Sooner or later almost every couple argues about how often they should be having sex. Because films and books make it feel like everyone else is having loads, and no one likes to think that they are having less than other people.
In fact, our ideas of how much sex other people are really having are totally inaccurate. And so lots of couples end up trying to follow some sort of unrealistic rule like “we should be making love three times a week,” regardless of how they really feel about it.
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What you should really be doing, of course, is making love as often as it feels right for you both, depending on the level of your desire and what is going on in the rest of your lives at the time.
The trouble is that ‘as often as feels right’ will be different for each of you. And so one of you will want to make love more often than the other.
Like the guy who thinks three times a week is ‘hardly ever’ while his partner thinks it is ‘far too often!’ That is common, because young men generally want more sex than young women, while older women often have more desire than older men! Feelings like that can be highly disruptive.
So, as difficult as it may seem, you need some deep discussions about how often you should make love. And really listen to each other’s answers. Talk about where your ideas about ‘the right amount’ of sex comes from.
Take it from me, the internet, movies and books are totally misleading, so just forget them. The right amount is what feels right for you. Discuss whether one of you really does want more than they are getting, while the other wants less.
If that is the case, explore the reasons. Maybe what is really wanted is more affection, or just plain fun. And if you both feel you should have sex more often? Plan how to do it. Figure out ways to get to bed earlier.
Find better ways to deal with the children. Reduce your social commitments, and set aside more time for each other. And share a few of your wilder fantasies!
All the best,