Is my temper who I am or can I change?

Is my temper who I am or can I change? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

I have a terrible temper and I get angry all the time. It gets me into trouble at work all the time, but it’s just who I am. What can I do about it?

Angry Girl

Chris says, 

Hi Angry Girl!

The real purpose of anger is to help you defend yourself in the event of a physical attack. But in most social situations, it just gets in the way. So everyone needs to learn how to manage it! 

Stay calm by observing your anger rather than being driven by it. This involves becoming more aware of what triggers your emotions rather than just being swept along by them.

Your emotions don’t just happen to you. They are always triggered by an event or a thought. Learning your triggers means you can manage your emotions.

Learn to recognise how stress affects you and plan ways to reduce it.

Develop your ability to see things from a different perspective. For example, instead of getting upset by a workmate’s irritating behaviour, decide to see it as an interesting problem to solve.

Choose to respond consciously instead of just reacting. Although your reactions may feel automatic, you can actually choose how you think and feel.

Pay attention to your thoughts and learn to control them. For example, challenge the ‘you always...’ thoughts that pop into your head whenever you disagree with someone.

If you start to feel angry, acknowledge your feelings, but pause before acting. Consider the situation from every angle. Instead of instantly confronting someone, calmly evaluate the situation and decide how to deal with it in future.

Some people are impossible to deal with and will really test your ability to stay calm. It’s best to keep your thoughts to yourself around them so they can’t get to you.

Their bad behaviour isn’t really directed at you. They treat everyone the same, so stop taking offence at their rudeness or trying to change their behaviour.

Developing good anger management skills can be very helpful in life. Not everyone succeeds. But for those who do, it can transform your life.