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Confessions: He cheated with my friend, should I forgive him?


I have been dating this guy for about 15 months but in the course of our relationship, he cheated on me with one of my friends. I called them for a meeting and asked them about this but they both denied. I forgave him. He later confessed about the affair and begged for forgiveness. I forgave him once more but I have not been at peace since then. I know he betrayed my trust but I love him so much. I simply can’t walk away but I live in fear he might cheat on me again. Please advise...


What the readers say:

Jane, you seem uncertain about your future with that man. You are also acting as if you are already married to him yet you are not. Men love comfort and as long as you are giving that to him despite what he did, he will still approach other girls since he knows you will forgive him again. Before entering into a life-long partnership with him decide what matters more to you between being in love with someone you don't trust and peace. Forgiveness has no buts, forget about it and enjoy life.

{Salome Ogal}

Jane, you need to do some soul searching and try to establish where you went wrong with all this. Find time and talk to him about this but also know that confessing to you about what happened is a clear indication that he loves and respects you. If you have chosen to forgive him then forgive and forget. People learn from their mistakes and learn to change their ways.

{Ingrid Mwadime}

Forgiveness is amazing but such a person should not be forgiven easily. If he is capable of cheating on you with your best friend he is capable of anything and is likely to do it over and over again. He may have apologised but he is only apologising because he got caught. You deserve a healthy relationship where you feel special and loved.

{Fred Jausenge}

Trust is hard to restore once lost. Take time and ponder about what the future holds if you truly love him and you can prove that he loves you too despite having cheated with your friend.

{Dolly Olimba}

Boke says:

Dear Jane,

Trust is a delicate component of any relationship and therefore it is one of those things that are difficult to restore once lost. First do not blame yourself for what happened.

The fact that the people involved are your close friends makes the matter even worse. However, on a positive note, this has enabled you to know what kind of friends you have and how close you can bring them to yourself.

A genuine change of behaviour is possible that is if your boyfriend is keen on this relationship. To that extend you can give him a second chance.

You do not seem convinced by the apologies and promises to change given. This is very normal because beyond what we see or hear each one of us has an instinct, a gut feeling or a sixth sense as some people call it. The sixth sense will make us aware of something that we cannot quite put a finger on. It is having a conviction without evidence.

There is a high possibility that he could cheat on you again.

At this point in time, the pain could still be raw thus making it difficult for you to give sound judgement. I encourage you to take a break from the relationship for a while as you give yourself time to heal and also enable you to objectively analyse the whole situation.

If at the end you still feel uncomfortable to go on with the relationship, I would encourage you to follow your heart. You are better off nursing a heartbreak than living in constant suspicion and anxiety.

 You deserve better and the better will come your way.

{Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationship}

Simon says:

Jane, unfortunate things happen in life, in relationships and in many other places. This is just one of them and it ought to be seen as just that. It happened, it was unfortunate and he actually confessed about it. Sometimes people make mistakes and often they realise they did wrong and mend their ways. He did you wrong and found it prudent to tell you about it. This shows he is remorseful and ready to change for the better. You have already forgiven him so it is only prudent that you start rebuilding your relationship afresh with the hope that things are going to be alright in days ahead.

Cheating is painful when it happens. Essentially, it should not really matter with whom it happened but it actually does. In this case, it was one of your close friends. This could be what is making the whole situation painful and the future very uncertain. It is normal to have feelings of mistrust and deeply founded fears about your partner when they go out and cheat on you but if you are convinced that he has dealt with himself on this matter then you may also want to deal with it and bring it to rest.

Also, the woman he cheated with isn't your friend, she should have told him off the moment he showed signs of wanting more than what he would do with her in your presence. Keep your relationship matters to yourself and draw a clear line between this and your friends. It is also advisable to stay away from that woman for some time until this wound heals. However, in future and when things get back on track, I would encourage you to consider forgiving her for this and putting it behind you. This is because forgiveness is the true healer of all wounds and the longer it takes for this to happen, the deeper the wound is going to get.

{Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor}

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