Will children accept my remarriage?

With Nyambura Maina

My husband and I divorced five years ago. We have two children together — a son who is ten and a 13-year-old daughter. They still get to spend time with their father. Recently, I met a man at my place of work and we started dating seriously. I am ready to make our relationship more permanent but I am afraid of the impact it will have on my children. They have met him and seem to get along fairly well. What are the effects on children when a parent remarries? What do you suggest I do to make things easier for everyone?

Pamela, Nakuru

In today’s world, traditional families whereby children are brought up by a mother and father (who are the biological parents) are steadily declining. Various factors affecting the family unit have made single parent homes, blended families with step-parents, homes led by grandparents and others, become the norm rather than the exception. These changes in family structure have led many to become concerned about the effects and possible risks posed to children. Remarriage, particularly when children are involved, is much more challenging than many imagine it to be.

Here are a few tips — tried and tested by others — to guide you:

Wait two to three years following divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating.

Most people need a few years to fully heal from ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process, so do yourself a favour and grieve the pain, don’t run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.

Date two years before deciding to marry; then date their children before the wedding.

Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both persons lack discernment about their compatibility with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know them thoroughly.

When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the stepparent-stepchild relationships. Young children under age ten can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly so make sure you’re serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time.

Know how to blend a stepfamily.

The way to bring together a stepfamily is by throwing them into the pot to cook slowly. It will take time and low-heat to bring ingredients together, requiring that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes five to seven years to combine; some take longer. Realise that the ‘honeymoon’ comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning.

Think about the children: "Yours and Mine"

Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that mom and dad can reconcile or that a deceased parent will always hold their place in the home. Seriously consider your children’s losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting till your children leave home before you remarry is not an option, work to be sensitive to your child’s loss issues. Don’t rush them and don’t take their grief away.

Manage and be sensitive to loyalties.

Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents and likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray their other parent. Don’t force children to make choices and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home and let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.

Don’t expect your new partner to feel the same about your children as you do.

It’s a good fantasy, but stepparents won’t experience or care for your children to the same degree as you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can’t have close bonds, they can. But it won’t be the same. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.

Parent as a team; get your plan ready.

Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer while supporting the stepparent’s developing role. Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.

(Adapted from www.successfulstepfamilies.com)

Common counsel

Pursuit of happiness

In our endeavour to find happiness in our lives, we sometimes affect those around us. Looking for partners who will bring us love and happiness is not easy and when we find someone, we should thank our lucky stars. You have a second chance at happiness so go for it. As long as you are happy, the children will adjust well. Do not be afraid and then hold yourself back from experiencing good things in your life. Your children are almost grown and when they leave the house it will be better for you to have someone around for company.

Flora, 33

Playing favourites

Divorce is on the rise and new families are being created from two pre-existing ones when parents remarry. Your children no doubt have other friends who have experienced the same changes in the family unit. They, like other children will learn to accept that they have a new stepfather. The only problem will come if he has other children also and you now expect your children and his to live together. Usually this is difficult because parents favour their own flesh and blood more that the stepchildren. Watch out for this.

Sam Owuor

Dominance factor

My mum remarried after being a single parent for more than ten years. I am her only son and it was hard for me to adjust when my step-dad came to live with us. I was 15 then and I gave my step-dad hell. I guess I was used to having a lot of independence and all my mum’s attention. I left home soon after turning 18 because we remained at loggerheads with my step-dad for a long time and I could see that our conflict was hurting my mum. Thankfully, things have improved lately and we are able to get along.

Bobbie, 20

Free to marry

Pamela, you are divorced and if your children accept this then there is no reason to worry. When you divorced you became free to re-marry. So go ahead and marry, your children need fatherly love from a stepfather.

Leonard Kipkorir, Kericho

He may not love you

Getting remarried will be like committing a grievous crime in your life. Remember the happy moments you used to have with your husband when he first married you and all the goodies he used to bring home. You are now reliving those days with your current boyfriend. But did the good times last? His spending money and lavishing attention on you does not mean he loves you. Maybe, he’s after something. Also, the fact that the children are used to him does not mean they love him. Pamela, your children love their dad and they may end up uniting you once again. Finally, what if you conceive with the current man and he dumps you? Will you get another man? Please take your time and weigh the situation.

Balla Wycliff

Children will be happy

Your plans to remarry will not have any negative effect on your children especially because they spend time with their father. You don’t have to remain unmarried forever and as you said your children get on fairly well with your boyfriend. Tell them about your plans to remarry. They will be happy with you if you counsel them correctly. Do not forget to discuss everything with your former husband, as this will help you blend your families.

Hared Abdihakim

On the right track

Pamela, I am glad you moved on and want to marry another man. Most people become depressed or turn to alcohol and can easily give up on life. Talk to your children about your situation and let them meet your new man occasionally so that they can get used to him. Always put your children first and never neglect them. The worst impact it can have on them is that they might become rebellious and may never appreciate marriage when their time comes.

Maria Mugo