How you can revive a sexless marriage

When you have been with one partner for a very long time, things can get a little stale. So what do the experts recommend when it comes to adding some spark in the bedroom?

Hugging your partner increases the 'love' hormones, particularly in the woman.

“It makes her feel closer to you, and she feels loved. It plays a huge role in intimacy,” says sex therapist Paula Hall, in her book Improving your Relationship for Dummies.

After a while, it is easy to lose sight of your partner as anything more than the mother or father of your child.

John Gottman, a researcher in marriage and parenting, advises couples to spend at least two hours every week doing something outside their roles as parents.

" Go for a wander around a museum or walk in a park, stopping off for a coffee. Make a pact not to talk about children or upcoming diary dates. Instead, focus on how you’ve felt in the past week: what’s been good, what’s been stressful, what’s made you laugh, what you’re daydreaming about, what your hopes and aims are." This is a sure way to bring back the sexual spark.

Sex can get robotic, especially in long-term relationships. It is easy to forget the little things your partner likes. “Foreplay is even more important as we age as our sexual response cycle slows down. To get the same physical responsiveness as you did in the early days requires more simulation," says sexologist Christopher Ryan in the book Sex at Dawn.   

Remember the adage 'Familiarity breeds contempt?' While It is OK to have similar interests, that shouldn't be all there is to you. You do not have to have similar hobbies, shared social media accounts or common friends.,

 “Having a life outside your shared world gives you something to talk about when you are together. It makes you a more interesting partner. And a little mystery is sexy,” advises psychotherapist Chris Hart. 

Long term couples tend to forget just how intimate and stimulating a kiss can be. The nerves on the neck, collarbone and shoulders give higher feelings of pleasure than people know.

Make out like you used to do, and watch the sexual spark light up.

“Kissing releases brain chemicals such as oxytocin, responsible for making people feel bonded to their partner. While oxytocin is released in both men and women, research indicates that women are more sensitive to this chemical and thus more inclined to like doing the behaviours that make them feel pleasure and connectedness,” reads an excerpt from Dr Gabrielle Morrissey’s book Hot Secrets For Great Sex.

When you come home from work every evening, you’re more likely to slump on the seat with your feet on the table and just veg out. Or helping the children with the homework. Doesn’t leave much energy for some ‘sexy time’. But how about making an effort, right from the warm kiss and the compliment you give your partner as you leave for work, the nice thoughtful texts you send in the day and making them feel appreciated?

Phones are ruining your sex life. Believe it. If the last thing you do before nodding off is scrolling through your phone, you could be a victim. Research proves it. A study by Oxford University on 24000 married couples showed a direct inverse link between use of social media sites and marital satisfaction. Establish a ‘no phone’ rule in the bedroom if you must, but reclaim your intimate space where you focus on each other instead of the world beyond.

They say that when you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you feel attractive, and sexy. And when you feel sexy, sparks will fly in the bedroom. Besides that, exercise increases testosterone, a hormone that boosts sex drive. So get to lifting weights and revive a flagging libido. 

Don’t feel like having sex and want to get your drive back? Well, have more sex. Sex is very much like exercise, the more you do it, the more your body adapts and pretty soon begins craving it. Sex hormones are necessary for a healthy libido and having sex increases those hormones. So get busy.