My husband and I no longer have sex and he's dating young girls

This week's topic: I have been married for several years and have three children. When we were dating, our sex life was good but this changed immediately after we got married. It got to a point where we would have sex about seven times in a year and this has reduced since then.

I accepted this because I believed he was sexually weak. Since then, he is always associated with many women including his colleagues. He comes late reeking of perfume. I have found condoms in his car, I have read many love text messages from different women and he even takes women to five-star hotels.

He keeps sending young girls money and is even paying rent for one woman whose college fee he paid. I don't know how he manages to keep up with all these women. I might as well have remained single because the main thing in a marriage is literally lacking in mine. I don't know what to do as I feel taken for granted and wasted. Please advise me. {Kendi}

Your take:

Kendi at least we should be thankful that he is practicing safe sex. Now there are many things that can make a sexually active person withdraw all of a sudden and he may need counselling to deal with some of these issues. This is best done by a professional counsellor who will most certainly convene discussions between the two of you and help you find a solution. As at now, you think that he is the problem but the actual problem may be somewhere else. {Anyang Outha}

It must be painful when one does not get what is rightfully theirs from their husband. However, you need to understand that men are easily put off by very petty actions and you may have done something that pushed him off earlier on. He may be looking elsewhere for what you are not providing for him. The fact that he is able to sleep with other women as you allege means he is still sexually active. Find a nice time to talk about times when he is in the right mood, and give him time to respond. {Dennis Ogal}

This is a sad thing to go through especially when you have all the evidence of what he is doing behind your back. The most important thing is to know your next move in all this but reflect backwards and try and see where the rains started beating you. {Name}

Everything has a beginning and you may have blindly ignored the beginning or cause of all these. Never hesitate to say your mind in this world because people will always assume that when you are quiet then you are comfortable with things as they are. You thought he was sexually weak but now you see the string of females he is serving. Get back your treads and have a better grip of your man for as things stand, you are slowly losing him to the other many women in his life. {Ouma Ragumo}

Simon's take: Kendi, if you have concrete evidence of all these things you say he does then the writing is pretty much on the wall for you to read. He seems to be very active sexually but outside your marriage obviously with other women. For a man who seems to have an insatiable appetite for sex, it is unacceptable that it would get down to seven times a year within his marriage. When a man comes home reeking of perfume, is associated with many women in town, is busy sending young girls money and is even paying rent for another woman then it is crystal clear that he is having multiple affairs and in the present times, this is a highly sensitive situation.

He is most certainly giving to other women all that he is denying you and more. This could be a result of many things but the three most likely comprise sexual addiction, inferiority complex or just inability to handle success. Yes, there is such a thing as sexual addiction and it refers to the uncontrollable desire to have intercourse with multiple partners as many times as possible. This may explain the chain of women tagging around him. He may also have a deeper psychological problem the most common of which is inferiority complex. This leads many men into such behaviour to boost their self esteem through that false feeling of power in conquering as many subjects as possible. If in the recent past he got a major financial breakthrough, he may be having difficulty managing this success.

The thing is that he has allowed these women and his sexual habits and desires to carry his mind to the point that he has over the years neglected the people that mean the most to him. I can tell that this marriage is important to you and I encourage you to face it with courage and desire to make it work. You need to talk to people who he would listen to and share with them every detail. You are broken, hurt and you feel taken for granted. It is time you faced the issues either to start the healing process or to find a new path to life. Whichever way it goes and whatever the outcome, it will be a win for you. {Simon}

Boke says:

I must commend you for getting to your 35th marriage anniversary inspite of the challenges. This is a challenge to the younger generation that are quick to look for an exit at a slight appearance of a problem. I cannot even try to down play your feeling of betrayal. That, while you were bearing with your partner's shortcomings he was busy stabbing you in the back. 35 years is a long time and sadly we cannot reclaim the time if we consider that a period of unmet expectations. You are justified to feel so bitter and disillusioned. Not to mention the health risk his behaviour poses to you.

Sorry about this again, but looking at his level of escapades seems a bit on the high side considering his age. It could be possible that your husband could be trying to protect himself from the harsh reality of his weakness. So that, all that is in the public is a public display of strength and bravado that do not exist. This is something people do conscious or unconsciously to escape an unpleasant reality. So, publicly he appears as a 'tough' guy. Although this is not the best picture of himself but it is a 'lighter' image to live with.

Assuming he is actually involved with all this ladies, let him know how devastating his actions are to you. No one in their right frame of mind will let 35 years of their lives go down the drain. You two have a lot of treasures you have built over the years. You probably have grown children who you have provided for stability among other things. Refocus on the things that kept you together over the years and gradually work towards regaining your relationship back.