Confessions: Should I tell my wife I confronted her lover to end their affair?

Dear Coleen,

I’m a man aged 60 and my wife is 45. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered she’d been having an affair with a guy she knows through work and that it had been going on for some time.

I’ve always been slightly insecure about our relationship, given that she’s 15 years younger than I am and very attractive, but I was still shocked when I found out.

I actually challenged this man without telling my wife and he promised me he’d end the affair, which he did, and that he wouldn’t tell her I’d intervened. I got the impression things hadn’t been great between them anyway.

But I still can’t bring myself to talk to my wife about it. She’s been distant and moody over the past few days – obviously because this guy has been in touch to tell her it’s over.

Can I just leave it and hope that’ll be the end of it or should I confront her and tell her what I did? Despite what she’s done, I love her and don’t want our marriage to end.

We also have two children aged eight and 10 and I want to keep things stable at home for their sake. I would appreciate your advice.

Coleen says,

You’re fixing things behind the scenes, but I think you really have to talk to your wife. If you don’t and it comes out, things could blow up, plus you’ll probably always be worried that it’s going to happen again, you’ll become paranoid and it will affect your relationship.

You shouldn’t be this afraid of her leaving you. What about you – don’t you deserve respect and happiness? Don’t you offer a lot as a husband and a father?

This affair clearly went on for some time, so you need to talk about why and what’s not working in your relationship so you have a chance of fixing it, if that’s what you both want.

Ignoring what’s happened is not the basis for a healthy and successful relationship in the future, so don’t stick your head in the sand – tackle it head on and deal with what comes after, whichever way it goes.

Good luck.