Confessions: Is my wife a lesbian or is she simply in exploration stage?

I’ve been married for three years but things have taken a turn for the worst. For the last four months, my wife and I have not been intimate. I have tried talking to my wife on many occasions but to no avail. Recently, I decided to check her phone and I was shocked to find that she has been sex-chatting. But that’s not even the shocker...some of the people she has been sex-chatting with are women and she does this right beside me even in our bedroom. I have even caught her watching lesbian porn. Did I marry a lesbian or is this just a new thing she has discovered? How do I confront her about this? Please advise me.

Donald

What the readers say:

Donald, these could be indicators that that you may be having a have a lesbian in the house, unless she has saved the names of men as women to conceal their identities. You need to approach this matter with sobriety and politely ask her about this. She may, with time, open up on this so be patient with her as this is sensitive. Once you have established the basic facts, you can help wean her off it and be sure to seek the services of a professional counselor. The sooner you start, the better it will be for both of you..

{Tasma Saka} 

It is never late for anything in this world and something can still be done. The issue is not confrontation, as this term sounds more of war oriented. I would rather suggest that you hear her side of the story. Discuss this candidly without victimisation and you will see how far this could take you. If things do not work, then there are experts in this field who can help you deal with this. If things take a wrong turn, then you will have to swallow the bitter pill on this.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo} 

 You have had your suspicions and you might be left feeling your relationship/marriage has been turned upside down. It is a real concern that needs to be handled carefully and with a lot of maturity. Please you need a professional counselor to help in professional guidance. Through that you will save your marriage and at the same time resolve uncertainty regarding your wife’s sexual behavior or orientation.

{Rev Willis Atoyo} 

People and feelings change and at some point she felt attracted to another woman. Try and talk to her about this and give her a chance to explain herself. From there I believe you will know what exactly to do with your marriage only if she will agree to talk about it. The future of your marriage depends on the outcome of your conversation. 

{Fred Jausenge} 

Sorry for what you are going through have you talked to your wife about what you think she is doing. If she refuses to change or talk to you call your parents from both side tell them your feeling for if she is a lesbian and you are not comfortable with that then to me you should not continue to suffer physically, socially and psychologically. This may lead you being depressed causing you to suffer from ulcers, hypertension or even severe depression which may lead to being mad or crazy. You better act now to save your future.

{Onyango Outha}

Boke says:

Dear Donald,

Lack of intimacy in a marriage is an indicator of other underlying issues in the relationship. This is especially true if one can rule out health and other life related concerns such as work and financial stresses. This is not to say that there are no declines.  Sexuality too has a curve whose main factor is age. We call it normal because this change does not affect the couple. 

Your finding must have hit you really hard, and I guess this was beyond what you had imagined. I may not be able to tell when exactly she started this but  certainly way back and not just the few months when you noticed the change. Unless something dramatic happens along the way, research has shown that feelings and sexual attraction that later forms an adult’s sexual orientation emerge between ages six and 13.  

She could have realised that she would not withstand societal stigma and hostility, therefore she conformed to the norm. Then along the way, things have changed. You cannot wish this away information. Let her know that you are aware of this and give her room to explain. Being harsh and judgemental will not help. And neither will threats. Unless you want to live on false hope. 

If she is willing to change then you can get the help of a professional counsellor. However, she may decide to be open about her orientation. That is why you must resist the urge to condemn and shame her. What you need is the truth. The truth may not favour you but it will give you both a clear picture of how you move forward. 

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Simon says:

Well, Donald, in some situations, you really should not confront a person rather you may want to approach them and have a candid discussion about things. Yes, you may have seen what you saw and have your side of the story but perhaps you will want to try and get her side of the story too. Certain things run deep in human beings such as religion and sex, among others, and these ought to be approached with utmost sensitivity as they are usually intertwined with many other things. 

So perhaps you may want to ask her in the politest of terms why she seems to be chatting women and more so what is driving her interest in lesbian pornography. It could just be curiosity; it could be that she is attracted to fellow women (she could be having lesbian tendencies) or she may have been doing it to spite you – people sometimes act out in strange ways. Having an open talk about this will in the first instance help you understand why she may be doing this. It will also be instrumental in giving you some indications as to whether there is a deeper underlying problem with her. If this is the case then you may need to seek professional help for both of you. For her, you will be trying to help her find herself and to deal with any issues she maybe having while for you, it will help you deal with learning of your wife’s sexuality. 

The bottom line, however, is that there is indeed a problem within your marriage. It could be about her sexuality and it may also be about other things. Either way, such a situation requires an open mind and concerted effort with the help of a neutral person and, most appropriately, a professional counsellor. With goodwill and determination from both parties this can and will be sorted and it may actually help build a stronger marriage for both of you. 

Simon Anyona is a relationships counselor