Confessions: My husband went behind my back and married his employee as second wife

I have been legally married for nine years and have three children.

My husband runs a company where they employ many young people. About five years ago one of the ladies at the company was said to have had a marriage ceremony which my husband attended but I did not.

Later on, she gave birth to twins who I even went to visit with my husband. In February this year, she gave birth to another child and I was informed by a friend who works at the hospital that she indicated my husband as her husband and father to the child.

He did not deny it and even his family members know about this. He paid dowry and married her in a traditional wedding ceremony.

Since this discovery, I have known no peace, my blood pressure rises many times and I am having trouble managing my sugar levels.

My doctor thinks that I am heading into a depression and not I don’t know what to do. Please advise me.

Gladwell

You could decide to forgive him or to leave him for good. Don’t be the only stranger in Jerusalem. Accept the reality and live on with your husband or away from him. For every choice, dear, there is a consequence.

Tasma Saka

You had better talk to your husband and accept the situation for he has fathered these children and paid a dowry to the parents of your co-wife. Legally, you can take action against your husband for marrying a second wife without your knowledge but it could be expensive, time-consuming and challenging. So take heart, stop complicating the issue and compromising your health.

Onyango Outha

Few women will accept or allow her man to add another woman under her watch. Have a discussion with him on the best way out of this and get him to assure you that yours as the first family will not suffer because of the second marriage.

Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo

My thoughts for you are of forgiveness, accepting the situation and letting go the resentment. Protecting yourself from further hurt is not a lack of forgiveness. You will need to accept your husband’s infidelity and act of bigamy and everything that comes with it. However, you could be just as wrong as him if you force him to neglect his children. They are innocent and do not deserve to be neglected.

Andrew Didy Chaplin

As long as he is providing you with basic needs, please stop stressing yourself over this issue, kindly accept it and plan the future of your family. Your three children need you more than ever. Remember, in life, there that happen that we have no control over. The only thing is to accept what has happened and focus on your future.

Willys Sifuna

 Simon says:

This is a rather unfortunate situation to find yourself in, especially within a marriage that has lasted for more than nine years only to find such shocking details. Several things are coming into play here and we need some key facts to be able to assist you.

First, I would want to understand the nature of your marriage; was it a customary, religious or civil? If you are in a customary marriage, then what he did it very much in line with the law and what it provides.

However, if you are formally married to him and he got into the other traditional marriage after 2014, then this can get very complicated for them being that the Marriage Act of 2014 clearly states that civil and religious (Christian) marriages are strictly monogamous and any other marriages contracted in the the course of these marriages shall be deemed to be null and void.

The main thing to note about this situation is that even if you are formally married to him either through a civil or Christian marriage then the law will never recognise the other marriage and, more so, if it was contracted before 2014. As such, you will always remain to be his lawfully wedded wife although his family may recognise the other woman as his wife.

This marriage cannot then be formalised at present unless the Marriage Act of 2014 is amended. The children, on the other hand, will always remain to be his children regardless of whether they were sired within a legitimate or illegitimate marriage and as such will always remain to be his responsibility.

This situation may be stressful to you but you need to learn to deal with the fact that you are now a stepmother to those children. In dealing with this, you will need professional counseling to help you through this as well as the support of a trusted friend who can always be objective about your situation. It is essential that you work towards staying healthy for the sake of your children, otherwise you could leave them in the hands of that other woman and we don’t know the kind of relationship she is likely to develop with the children.

Simon Anyona is a relationship counselor

Boke says:

I am really sorry for the health challenges that this situation has caused you. Take your doctor’s advice seriously because your well-being comes first.

About your husband marrying another wife, this is something that happened a while ago and it was quite obvious but you chose to bury your head in the sand. I wonder how you missed all the signs. Acting clueless and unaware has been a safe place for you emotionally.

The lie that nothing was happening between this employee and your husband was a fantasy you held on to. For example how many of your husband’s employees did both of you visit when they had a baby? 

Dowry payment happens where other family members are aware of except you. It is really strange that no one could tell you or even give you a hint.

Well, as they say, that is water under the bridge. Accept the reality. I would not encourage you to talk to a friend or close family member because you clearly have no sincere people around you. Get a counsellor to walk with you. 

At some point you will be able to decide whether a polygamous marriage is something you can live with or not. Take this process slowly for the sake of your health. Do not trade your health for anything. I can imagine the pain of betrayal but think about your children who love you genuinely and unconditionally. 

Your husband wanted a second wife and he got one and this has nothing to do with your shortcomings. So quit condemning and judging yourself harshly. This self-condemnation could be the cause of your emotional breakdown that eventually results in physical health breakdown.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology