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Confessions: Her sister is too friendly to me

Readers Lounge By Simon and Boke
Her sister is too familiar making me insecure (Photo: Shutterstock)

I am 27 and I have been dating this girl for two years now. I really love her and I am looking forward to settling down with her the soonest possible. Despite our stable relationship, her sister is too familiar with me to the point that I feel insecure. I think this familiarity is not good for our relationship. Please advise me.

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{John N}

What the readers say:

Dear John, the situation you are in, if not maturely handled, may water everything. I mean it can ground everything already put in place. Facts will however remain. Have you ever inquired her reasons for closeness? Could she be hinting at something unforeseen or are you just overthinking things? Keenly monitor her general comfort when her sister is around. You can easily conclude this. If what she does in her sister's absence can't be done in her presence, then something is amiss. The only care you should take is to avoid being double edged. If you want everything then be prepared to lose everything.

{Ouma Ragumo-Sifuyo}

John whatever you mean by her sister being 'too familiar' is what makes heads turn. If you made a mistake as to be intimate with her sister, get the opinion of the sister on your intentions and if she is uncomfortable then be honest with the girl you want to marry so that you begin on a clean slate. If she cannot stomach that then you have the answer, move on. My parting shot is be honest and open with everyone, including yourself, from the word go.

{Tasma Saka}

Boke says:

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Dear John,

In your attempt to be friendly to your potential in-laws you have found yourself getting uncomfortably close to your sister-in-law.

The seemingly innocent interaction with this lady can wreck not just your relationship but also strain that on your wife's side. I am glad that you are alive to this fact or rather aware of what familiarity can do to your relationship. I hope not much damage has been done.

You do not need any more time on this. Go ahead and begin to distance yourself from this person. Keep communication to the basics. It would not take long before she gets the message.

Even better I encourage you to involve your girlfriend in this. This will shield you from developing bad blood between you and your girlfriend's side. You can also not assume that this girl is innocent and that the closeness you have just happened.  We have heard of sisters or friends who have messed up their acquaintances' relationships and taken over. You just may never know what she is up to. Remember there are communities that allow two sisters getting married to the same man.

If you are not at peace with this then take action. As I say this I hope you have not done or said anything inappropriate with her. Otherwise, the day she will sense that you are drifting, she is likely to blackmail you.

Therefore, if anything could have happened you will need to disclose that to your girlfriend before she gets it from a third party. She would rather hear it from you than getting it from someone else.

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Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Simon says:

John, the time is nigh for you to settle down and start building your family and you seem to be on the right path for this and I believe all will be well. You, however, seem to have some reservations about your relationship for reasons that I find somewhat peculiar. Perhaps I do not have a clear understanding of your specific fears but in reading you message, I believe you think that your sister-in-law to-be is a threat to your long-term relationship because she is "too familiar with you".

I would like to know what "being too familiar" means and exactly what this has to do with the perception of her family members towards you. Is it that she knows much more than a sister-in-law should know? Does this perhaps indicate that you have a relationship with her that could negatively shape the perceptions of their family members towards you? What specifically can change her family's perception about you? Are there skeletons in the closet that she is aware of? Why would a third party pose such a big threat to a potential marriage?

John, the thing about fears is that whether founded or unfounded, 99 percent of them never come to pass. Unless there is something between you and her sister that you are not disclosing to us then you should just hold your peace and pursue your plans of engaging and marrying the girl that you love. Whatever comes out of this, you will deal with it as it emerges and a solution will always be found.

Alternatively, if you are as genuine as you may want us to believe, you could have a chat with her and either tell her how this too much familiarity is not good for your relationship with her sister and what both of you need to do to reduce the familiarity. In a situation where she is too familiar with you, it means that you are also too familiar with her and this is what has enabled her to be too familiar with you. Stop living in fear of fears that only exist in your mind.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor

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