Confessions: I spent my savings on my side chick, now she wants to leave

I am 32. I was married to a good woman until I met this campus girl last year. She is 25. We enjoyed life together, with her showing me love and many things I never thought existed. I was and I still am born again. The relationship has cost me so much. I have been taking loans to cater for our high lifestyle.

My wife couldn’t stand this and she took our child and left. I have differed with my parents and spent all my savings because of this girl. Now that I cannot afford the lavish lifestyle, she is threatening to leave. She assaults any woman who even comes close to me. I really love her but I am confused and hurting. I don’t know what to do, please help.

{Ambrose}

 What the readers say:

Ambrose, your story sounds like a movie. Everybody knows what campus girls are all about and you got into this mess willingly. You say that you were and are still born again but I don’t see this in you. I don’t think you have any plans to marry this woman. Stop spending your hard-earned cash on someone who is just passing. She threatens to leave you because she is a hyena who is following where there are signs of a sumptuous meal. This woman surely has another man to keep her happy. Mend your ways, bring your family back, brother. Stick to your salvation as it never late to repent.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

Now you are truly 'born again' as you have learnt your lesson. She must be cross with any woman who gets closer to you because she has to be sure no one shares her cash cow. Stop giving her money and you will see her with another man. She will not even try to hide this from you. Leave this scavenger, go back to your woman, apologise to her, pick up the pieces, begin afresh and never look back.

{Tasma Saka}

Boke says:

Dear Ambrose,

I am glad you are learning the hard way. There are people who must go through an unpleasant experience for them to learn. It looks like you are one of them. The many things that you did not know existed that she has taught you do not seem to be beneficial at the moment. I do not know what these new things were but it sounds like nothing more than a sexual escapade.

Before you met this girl, a number of things could have been happening in your marriage and faith. One, although you knew that your wife was a good woman, you took her for granted. Gradually her beauty and charm faded before your eyes and she ceased to be attractive. At the same time, you stopped living in accordance to your faith.

All this made you easy prey. The girl found a naive man who could finance her lifestyle at a small cost. She cares nothing about you. On the other hand you traded your savings, your faith and your family for nothing more than a fling.

Well, it is not too late for you to get back on your feet financially. For your family to be restored, you will require much more effort. Begin by apologising to your wife then gradually working towards reconciliation.

Remember, forgiveness may not necessarily lead to reconciliation. It will take a while before your wife can have a change of heart and there is nothing you can do about the pace at which the whole process takes. As you patiently wait, let there be a genuine change of character from your side.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Simon says:

Ambrose, there are some fine lessons about this life that one gets to learn from time to time. Most of them you only get to understand through experience. The first and most important is that a small bird in the hand is many times more valuable than a big ostrich in the bush. The other is that in life, everyone has to set their priorities right, including having clear understanding of things in terms of the constants and variables. When you learn to value what you have far above what you can possibly get out there, then you get into a state that enables you to make rational decisions in life.

You say that you love this woman you are living with but I am pretty much in doubt about the kind of love she has for you. As you put it, she lives a lavish lifestyle that you have tried to finance in different ways, including taking up loans. Now that you appear to be running out or have actually run out of money, she is threatening to leave. With this, I wonder if it was you she was in love with or your money.

I can tell you for free that she does not have a single speck of love for you. She is accommodating you simply because you are taking care of her and her material needs. I can also tell you that you are not and have never been in love with her. You were only excited and fascinated by her. This fascination was also because she is probably the direct opposite of the wife you had. The problem with this kind of fascination is that you realise that what you thought was different is only different until you get it, then you realise that everything is all the same.

Yes, many people have on-the-side relationships. In these relationships, people live by the terms and conditions you set at the start. If you feed her with the wrong things, then the whole thing will be twisted. It should have been clear to her that your family comes first and that she is second (if not a distant second) period. You made her believe that she was actually first and this is why your wife left. If anyone was to leave, it should have been her not your wife and it doesn’t matter if you had impregnated her with twins or what kind of figure she has. She remains as a variable in your life and your wife is a constant.

Lastly, spending all your money and taking up loans to finance the needs of a secret lover is like using a mattock to kill a mosquito – it is really not necessary. If you were to go broke, the only person who stands by you is your wife. These lovers take off at lightning speed, and brand you ‘sumbua’ (unnecessary bother). Get your wife back and make amends with your parents as these are the people who love and appreciate you for who and what you are. This woman is not good for you.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor