I am 29 and my fiancée is 28. She is God-fearing and has a well-paying job. I am jobless for now and she has been very supportive and keeps telling me that things are going to get better. She has, however, recently started saying she needs to settle down by the end of this year. I have no problem with that only that I don’t think it is right for us to start a family when I am not financially stable. Now, she is saying there are many other men pursuing her for marriage but she keeps turning them down because of me. She claims to love me but she is putting too much pressure on me to marry her. Please advise me on what I need to do to solve this problem.
What the readers say:
Peter, this lady loves you and actually believes that you are the best man for her. Again, she is not complaining about your financial situation, probably because she trusts and has confidence in you. This is a God sent arrangement and He will surely open up some opportunities for you later in your marriage. Don’t let her down and do the right thing.
If you marry a woman who is not working, you are safe, but marrying a woman who is working while you don’t have a regular and stable source of income is a disaster. Ask her to give you some time to settle and look for a job or a business to carry out. Look beyond your relationship with this woman and magnify your future. You may end up a frustrated man. She could also help you look for a job or set up a business to support you instead of issuing threats that there are other men who want to marry her.
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Get her into your house then think about the rest after that. She is aware that you are not employed. Secondly, must your employment be formal? Having her around will make you think out of the box and make you a better man and husband. Also share and discuss your thoughts with her and get her honest and sincere opinion. Yours will be a happy marriage, but, of course, with challenges, as usual.
I feel that you don't have true love towards your fiancée and you feel somehow intimidated since she has done a lot for you. There's no problem for you two people moving in and starting a family since she has proven to be ready to settle and support you grow. Stop fearing, and if you continue, you will lose her to another man. She sounds responsible and that character is rare to find nowadays.
Did you say that she claims to love you? What about you? What is your position? You seem to be so removed in this whole matter. She is perfectly in order to be talking about getting married, unless you have your own reservations about this relationship.
Getting employed could take longer than you expect and any young person should be thinking beyond waiting for a job. It would be prudent for you to get something to do. You could create a business around your skills, passion or talents then slowly by slowly you will be moving towards the stability you are talking about. Getting yourself gainfully engaged is not just good for the marriage but much more for your own well-being.
Also note financial stability is a process and it is in phases and levels. So get yourself up and running and you will not interpret your girlfriend’s words as pressure.
Beyond the job issue, the fact that your girlfriend is more financially stable than you are could be making you uncomfortable. I strongly believe that this is the main problem and you could consciously or unconsciously be hiding behind the lack of a job. But you know what? She must not come down to make you comfortable.
If you cannot get over this feeling of inadequacy, I would strongly suggest that you end the relationship. This is because this feeling is not likely to go away and eventually your insecurities will turn you into an abuser. I pray that you can be honest enough to yourself and her. This turn of events will be very painful at the beginning but will be good for you in the long run.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology
Peter, this is a common problem but it can be taken care of in many ways. Before we delve into the matter, it is important for you to understand the context, the underlying factors as well as the possible outcomes of the various scenarios that are playing out here.
For starters, her age is already lighting a red signal on her. Many women (if not most) hope that by the age of 27, they would have a ring on their finger or a man in the house. When this does not happen, things start getting thick and the reasons for this are obvious, key of which is that, as a woman grows older, the less likely she is to find a man who is unattached and within her ideal age difference i.e. 4-5 years her senior.
Again, the pressure could be building from her family and friends causing her to be a little bit more aggressive on the issue of marriage. Based on this, you may now understand why there is a lot of pressure from her about this.
The pressure is being reinforced by certain threats she is throwing your way such as the allegation that there are many men who keep proposing to her but she is always turning them down. I can bet you that there is no such thing because if they were actually there, she would have left you before you spelt your name out.
There is an instructive way to go about this is. State categorically that you are not ready to marry at the moment for obvious reasons. The reality of the situation is that you are the one who is marrying her. That decision should be yours to make without any pressure.
If you get into any such arrangement without setting your groundwork right, you will surely face the music. If there are others offering to marry her, give her a go ahead to leave and wish her well. It is highly unlikely that she will leave but my advice to you is that you only get into a marriage when you feel that you are ready for it.
Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor
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