I am 28. I had been dating this guy for about two years when he enrolled for training in one of the uniformed forces about 6 months ago. Since we did not communicate, I got involved with another man in what was just a casual relationship. I am now one month pregnant by him and my real boyfriend, who I love, is coming back home in two weeks. This father of my child is not serious and does not have any plans to ask me to marry him. I am confused and don’t know what to do. Please advise me.
What the readers say:
You are pregnant by another man so you cannot continue to call this man who is coming home your boyfriend. The minute you hooked up with someone else, you effectively broke up with this man. First, you need to tell the father of your child about the pregnancy. Next, you need to come clean to your ex about having moved on. You do realise that both men may reject you and you will be left alone? You will have to live with this as a consequence of having unprotected sex.
You are very insincere with yourself and to your boyfriend. I don’t understand how you can have casual unprotected sex with a man you barely know. Have you thought about HIV? It is now too late to cry over spilt milk. So face your man and tell him the truth if he forgives you it will be well and good. But do not think of aborting the child it is criminal and a sin in the eyes of the God. But know from today that your boyfriend will never trust you. Take care and always remember to practice safer sex at all times.
You are pregnant and accept it. When he comes home, welcome him and keep this to yourself until you find the opportune time to come clean about this. Alternatively, carry the pregnancy and only talk about it if he makes an inquiry. Whatever you decide to do, remember you have to carry your own burdens. The pregnancy is still in its early stages so this may work in your favour as it gives you time to think. Do not under any circumstances think about terminating – that child has a right to life.
There are two ways of getting out of this tricky situation that you have got yourself into. One is the deceptive way or you could go through this the right way. The lie will momentarily cover your mess as it brews into a more complicated situation in future.
I get this feeling that you could be having such a scheme up your sleeves and you are unconsciously looking for a way to validate it. Do not wait for your boyfriend’s pass out then cunningly claim that he is responsible for the pregnancy. This would get the pressure off your shoulders for the time being but it will remain a ticking time bomb. When it finally explodes, you will have no control on how the truth will pop up. It could turn out to be too complex, messy and delicate and will hurt more innocent lives than those who are involved now.
You can never go wrong with the truth. Tell your boyfriend in the disciplined forces the truth or just indicate that you have moved on. Give the details if he insists and let him be free to decide what to do. Remember you are not a victim in this matter. As a matter of fact, you have betrayed his trust so he is the victim. This is a character issue that you need to work on.
If he forgives you, well and good. The most important thing is that he is in the know. In no time, the baby will be here so begin to redirect your focus. Think and prepare for your baby. Life is a learning adventure. Learn the lessons, forgive yourself and move on. You will find love along the way.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology
Salome, you are in a dangerous situation there and you will need to take quick action to ensure that you manage it and reduce the potential damage. You say that you are about one month pregnant and your substantive boyfriend comes home in about two weeks. This will be at least 6 weeks into the pregnancy and even if you try and fix him on this, the math will just not add up.
In such situations, the best way is always to go on the straight and narrow and hope that the other guy will indeed play along and take his responsibility. If the duration were shorter, a quick fix like the one you are hoping we will suggest would have been possible but this is somewhat late into the pregnancy and so it will be hard to convince him about this.
The thing about telling the truth in such circumstances is that it provides different paths to different destinations. For instance, it could even open up an avenue for him to accept things as they are and move on with you as his girlfriend or wife.
This will also give you a chance to observe and confirm his reaction to this situation and give you an indication on whether to pursue the relationship further or close the door and focus your efforts on the father of the child.
You may be surprised at how a pregnancy may change the thinking of the other guy towards you. Perhaps he was just feigning disinterest only because he knew you were with the other guy. We don’t know how he is going to react if and when he finds out that you are pregnant for him. He may surprise you and so this could also open up a path you never thought existed.
The bottom line here is that you have to find a way to deal with and live with the pregnancy now that you made the mistake of engaging in unprotected sex and it is here with you.
In the future, I encourage you to insist on protected sex to avoid getting into complex situations such as the one you are in now.
As a woman, a pregnancy changes your life drastically and many times over compared to the effect it will have on the man. This means that you are the one to demand and ensure total compliance on the safe sex precautions because you actually bear the highest responsibility.
Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor
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