Men only: Why you might not marry any Kenyan woman

If you missed the piece last week about the ridiculous stereotype on Central Province, do not worry. You are just in time to board this week’s train about stereotypes of women from other Kenyan tribes. But if we were to go by these crazy stereotypes, would we have any women left to marry?

Kamba women are too loose

The stereotype goes that Akamba women are easy going, charming and you get along well with them. However, so goes the myth, it is like they have hot porridge within their loin clothes. Let her go to the gym, and she’ll soon spot a ‘ought’ fit fellow to ‘lift weights’ with. Leave her at home, and bored, she’ll bonk some neighbour, or your buddy. Ati Kao chicks are democratic with their affection.

Meru Women wako na madharau

It used to be said Amerucan women, for marriage, were like the warranty of a German moti. Ten Year guarantee! The stereotype against them is that wako na mdomo sana, and if she starts to do well in life, and you ‘stand still,’ she’ll show you madharau (contempt). ‘How can you sit on the sofa I bought with my sweat, watching the TV I worked for?’ She’ll say this while switching off the football match, and snarl: ‘Go out there like real men and work!’ Yet you are watching a bao on Carabao Cup on Tuesday – and it is midnight…

Coastal ladies are lazy

Many men sing praises about the ‘polite’ women of Coast. But the stereotype goes that they are the laziest and most unambitious women. That beyond getting fat on their diet (plus an earful of mushene/gossip), they don’t expect you to expect much else from them in life. Be ready, as a man, to be the punda milia catering for everything.

Maasai women are mysterious

Maybe it is because they are the ones who traditionally built the manyattas. But even in ekegusii they say ‘aye totageti komanya omoswati omomasai’ (you can never know a Maasai woman’s heart). The modern one will own plots you know nothing about. Then one day get a Green Card, when she’s 50 and disappear like morning mist in the Mara into the diaspora; without leaving you even an explanatory e-mail.

Kalenjin women like to drink

Many men like to drink, and many don’t mind their woman having a drink once in a while. But they say the ‘Kaleo’ woman does not just like the tipple, but will drink you under the table. If you see almost all of those stories of couples who drink together, then return to quarrel later, they are Rift Valley High stories, pardon the pun.

Kisii women are noisy

The stereotype about our women is that they argue a lot with their men, are hard headed and ‘resist the patriarchy.’ That it is suspected many bibles in the region came with the page about ‘woman, be submissive to your husband’ missing. While they make love like war, they make war like that’s what they love the most in the world. A couple physically fighting in Gusii-land looks like something out of UFC.

Luhya women are possessive and vindictive

That while the Lunje woman is as curvy as she is lovely, she can be as clingy as poison ivy to her man. She will want you to account for every minute you are not with her, and spy on your Smartphone. And if she catches you cheating, be sure atalipa kisasi. Is this true, Itindi?

Luo women have no maendeleo

The Luo ladies get blamed here, by ethno-centrists, of causing their men to be non-progressive! That Luo women love sweet words, backed by high life and certain ‘here today, gone tomorrow’ lifestyles – whether it is demands for fish diet from the poor man, or trips to Dubai from the ‘rich’ one. So that by the time ‘mzee’ dies, all kids have to share is a dusty 1998 Pajero, and your rhumba memories.

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