Bad boy: Spending the day babysitting can’t be too difficult. Or can it?

Taking care of a two-and-a-half-year-old child is the toughest job -- especially, if you are a man. The househelp went away for Easter -- a request she tendered a while back. It was impossible not to grant it. And the wife is attending some phony wedding down at the Coast -- a ‘beach wedding’ she said. It is her friend marrying some ad agency guy.

“I can call my sister or my cousin to stay over for Easter if you are uncomfortable with the children,” Caroline tells you, when you seem apprehensive, “as long as you behave…” she adds with some laughter, to ease the tension, but you know her insecurities. You can live with a woman for 100 years, but she will never trust you around any woman.

“I can take care of the babies. It is not much,” you tell her, matter-of-factly. But when she leaves, it hits you that you were being overly optimistic with your abilities.

When Farrah, age six, wakes up, you don’t know what she is supposed to have for breakfast.

You fumble around the kitchen. The milk is frozen in the fridge and there is no Weetabix or cornflakes for Junior. You take the milk out of the freezer but you don’t even know the best way to defrost it. Throw it in hot water? You decide to go buy more milk. And cornflakes.

When you get back home, you remember you have not bought something for you and Farrah. You go back for bread and Blue Band.

You have eaten toasted bread in your house, but you don’t even know how to turn the damn toaster on. So you boil the milk and mix it with the cornflakes. Then you try to feed it to Junior, who says, “taki pesa” which you assume stands for “sitaki pesa”. Anything round is money to him.

You call his mother and she tells you that Junior doesn’t eat cornflakes. “Buy Weetabix, aki, nilisahau kununua.” You make the third trip to the shop. Thankfully, Junior eats the Weetabix with no drama. Meanwhile, Farrah is sulking on the sofa…You ask her to turn the TV on but she is not interested. You make the tea but, midway, you discover there is no sugar. You make your fourth trip to the shop. Farrah barely touches the tea and slices of bread with badly spread margarine.

What do you do the whole day with children? You are done, and it is only 9.30am. Some boys come and pick Farrah to go ride the bicycle. You don’t like their attitude. Or is it their entitlement? But they grab her hand and off they go.

So, you remain with Junior, who wants your phone by force. You are forced to break your own rule and give him the phone to play with.

Like a good parent, you go to the kitchen to plan for what they are having for lunch. You make a call to Caroline to guide you around the kitchen. After listening to her for nearly ten minutes, you discover she is not helpful at all.

You figure you will get some fast food and take them to an amusement park to kill off a day.

A day of junk and indulging won’t kill them.

@nyanchwani

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