Confessions: He recently had a son with another woman, she says she’s ‘taking over’

I am 32, a mother of three girls and have been married for 9 years. We were a happy family until last year when I discovered that my husband was having an affair with this young woman in our estate. We fought about it and he assured me that it was over.

She disappeared for a while and now she is back with a baby boy and this has driven him crazy. He spends all his time at her place only to come home past 11pm. She has told me to my face that my time with him is almost up because I failed to give him what he wanted the most and that it is just a matter of time before she takes over.

I think I am losing the man that I love and I don’t know what I can do to keep him. I don’t mind him supporting them but I just hope we can remain the first priority in his life as we have always been. Please advise me.

{Felistas}

What the readers say:

Felistas, you will need to calm down and try to win back your husband’s heart. Be as nice a wife as you can and treat him even better than before and as you take good care of him, also take care of your daughters. Remember the more you fight them, the more things will get out of hands. Don’t allow another woman to ruin a marriage that you have build for 9 years and above all go down on your knees and talk to God to save your marriage.

{Fred Jausenge}

Do not allow yourself to be that desperate because you may end up doing a really stupid thing. You may also help him love the new entrant since you have known the desires of his heart and after sometime he will just come back home. Also if you can afford it, emerging technologies can help couples select the sex of their next child but this is extremely expensive.

{Tasma Saka}

The truth of the matter is that you have a co-wife and a step son now and the sooner you accept this the better it will be for all. He is your husband and will remain yours for keeps even in the emergence of this other woman. This way, you will have saved yourself heartache that you are almost contracting. It is natural for men to want to have sons so don’t try and get in between them.

{Ouma Ragumo}

A child is a child be it a boy or girl. If you are married officially he should have consulted you before engaging another woman. Alternatively you may file a case with children officer office or children court or court of law to define the role of your husband to you and your children for upkeep and all social amenities plus money for family up take. Otherwise it is an offence to engage another party without consulting one another. Let your husband know his roles and responsibilities in the house and in your family together.

{Onyango Outha}  

Simon says:

Felistas, that is a rather precarious situation unfolding right there and unfortunately unlike many others, this is a permanent situation that will probably be present for the rest of your life. I say this not to discourage and torment you but to help you appreciate the magnitude of the situation. Children are divine gifts from God and we should appreciate all our children regardless of their sex. However, in our African set-up, every man has an inborn desire to have a son considered to be a permanent part of our lineage as compared to daughters who are thought to be married away to other families which is a misplaced and inaccurate description of the actual situation.

This innate desire drives men whose wives “appear” to give birth to only girls to other women in search of that elusive boy. I say “appear” because this is also misplaced as it is the man who determines the sex of the child to be born. Nonetheless, the woman is here, she has given him the desire of his heart and he has his first family. Knowing the psychology of women, she is feeling rather strong in this relationship and is probably hoping that he will leave you and focus on her family since she is the one who has given him a son. While this is a likely situation, there is a lot you can do to keep him focused on his first family.

The most critical part of this process is accepting that child and knowing that any attempt to fight him or push him away will only push him into the arms of that other woman. Upon acceptance, show him your undying love and affection and remind him that yours is the first family and that you will always be there for him despite the situation. With things as they are, any aggression from your side will always be to her advantage and thus the need to have as little as possible of that. Lastly, do not appear overly desperate and scared of the fact that she has bore him a son – you have three daughters! You are his first wife and no number of boys can ever change that situation and put her in your place. He is your husband, I am certain he also has irreplaceable love for his daughters so it is not an entirely weak position for you.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

It is unfortunate that in the current times, some people still value a given gender over the other. The male child in particular. Anyone accusing you of not giving them what they wanted, yet what they wanted is beyond your ability, is making jest. You should not harbour any form of guilt concerning the gender of the children you have. It even gets worse when you begin to disregard the children you already have.

Now, concerning the other woman, we cannot force people to be with us especially when their exit is caused by irrational and myopic reasoning. So, about you and your children being his priority, only he can determine that. Any attempt to compel him will not guarantee you happiness.

When you talk of you remaining a priority to him, you are remotely insinuating the possibility of a polygamous arrangement. Has he suggested this? Most importantly, are you OK with that arrangement? The pressure you are experiencing now should not push you into making hasty decisions. Has the other woman indicated that she would want to be married to your husband? She probably would want to remain single by choice. There is so much that you will need to find out before settling for any option.

Also remember, the gender of the children has never determined how happy or successful a marriage becomes. There are many unhappy homes yet they have the gender of choice at their desired ratio or proportions.

For now, I would encourage you to count your many blessings and look at the many things that are working in your life. You have children, enjoy bringing them up. There is more to children than gender, there is destiny, which defies the confines of gender. Work towards bettering your life and your children’s.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships.