What if Meghan Markle was Luo?

The Royal wedding is just hours away and I can’t help imagining what the whole process would have been like if Meghan Markle was a Kenyan beauty; to be precise a Luo from a remote part of South Nyanza, let’s go with Kanyada.

To begin with, the moment she would have been suspected to be dating a white man is the very day her dowry plans would have been underway. She would have been exempted from unnecessary family wars and would have automatically earned herself the position of the chair in every family meeting, even in absentia and her word would have been final. She would have even be granted the powers to decide who gets buried where within the homestead. If she suggested your body be thrown in River Nyando, it would have been tossed five minutes after your departure so that the fish can have you fresh and sweet. Anytime she would have travelled home for any function, her sole responsibility would have been to sit down under some mango tree enjoying the breeze from wherever as others responded to even a simple cough from her all because she was getting ready to be married not only to a ‘misungu’ but was joining the Royal family. A simple headache would have earned her a quick drive to the hospital in an ambulance straight to the pre-natal clinic.

The dowry negotiations would have attracted all her relatives, including those who refused to migrate from Pubungu and Pakwach in Uganda during the 15th century. They would have made their way to Kanyada for the first time waving banana branches and singing traditional songs in praise of Obama. Yes, they would have been praising Obama because of the thought that the whole of ‘Misungu land’ is ruled by Obama. They would have come ready with a list of things they would wish to be given as part of the dowry. Traditional dancers would have been hired from Siaya since those in South Nyanza would have all claimed to be related to Meghan and would not want to be seen as dancers on the D-day but as respected relatives in suits and very well designed kitenges. Apart from cows, the bride price would have included horses, hippos, kangaroos and any other animal the ancestors would have thought of. They would have actually used the opportunity to create their own tourist attraction in Kanyada. The rest from other parts in Kenya would have felt like the country is all of a sudden too tiny for them. No one would breathe in and out in peace. Slogans of “Prince Harry tano tena” would have filled the air as if dowry will have to been re-paid every five years. Harry Tialalaaaa, Harry Tibim and Harry Riaaaah would have been the greeting from the lakeside.

Back to Kanyada, the school going children would have been tasked with teaching the wazee even the simplest of the Queen’s language. In the dark dens where old men drink themselves silly, the only language filling the air would have been English in readiness for the Royal wedding. “Odhis, so you don’t have whisky? Let me sitop washting my tayim hiya, I am an internasonal drunkard”. Old women who can barely see would have been seen walking around telling all and sundry “Good morning” even late in the evening. Poor Prince Charles would have been forced to change his line enough times because of the unnecessary messages from Kanyada filled with “My son”. Then there’s always that one aunty from Alego Kaugagi who would have claimed to know the prince more than anybody else after hours of googling about him at a cyber in Uranga. She will be all over in the family WhatsApp group giving directions of what should and shouldn’t be done. “Excuse me, but Prince Harry does not like colour Red. Let’s not carry the Kenyan flag, it has Red. Excuse me yawa, Jaloka reacts with Soprano, let’s avoid it while singing.” Meghan would not almost have a say in anything since everyone would have claimed to have changed her diaper at some point when she was still a baby, her only role would have been to stay calm, be beautiful and conceive as fast as she could. Her parents would have been bombarded with “She is our daughter”.

The Kanyada congregations would have sold almost everything they own to fund their trip to England, including their ancestral homes. Others would have started their journey two months in advance in hired buses and matatus hoping to get to England in time to attend the royal wedding. On the wedding day, a huge percentage of the relatives would still be in Kenya, not because they want to but because they were denied Visas. Those issuing Visas would have had a difficult time dealing with the unruly crowd at the Embassy singing praises of Harry Jaloka who had walked all over the world only to set his eyes on Meghan ‘Awino’ Markle also known as NyaKanyada. Harry would have been baptised ‘Owinyo’ meaning he who flies because of the many countries he trans versed to hook up with Meghan. This same crowd would not have waited for the two to date for two years with no offspring forthcoming. To them, that would have been like walking around Komayole in the wee hours of the night dangling a smart phone. So trust me, the two would have walked down the aisle not with one but two off springs probably nameless; only being referred to as ‘A girl baby’ and ‘A boy handsome’ because a name was never settled on following dreams from every ancestor wanting to be named.

Kenyans not related to Meghan would have had it rough as the news of the wedding would be forced down their throats. The ‘Kanyadians’ would have been all over demanding a public holiday on the wedding day to make sure it had an impact on everyone. Groups of middle aged men would have downed their tools on the D-day and run around the city with an effigies of ‘their daughter’ and the prince. A mock wedding would have taken place in the middle of the city complete with a fully dressed pastor, a huge Bible and a choir. They would have then made the effigies sign a marriage certificate with a cause that doesn’t allow divorce. After that, the ‘reception’ would have taken place at a place where its impact would be greatest, maybe in the middle of a busy highway.

Meanwhile, those who shall have made it to England for the wedding will be all over Social media ‘going live’ and helping BBC to do their work; only the concentration will be on them and not the couple. That one aunty from Alego Kaugagi will be at her usual cyber in Uranga ranting in the family WhatsApp group about those going live using poor quality cameras. “Nimewaambia mara ngapi Prince hapendi Nokia? Omera, try Oppo or log off social media.” Three minutes later, Slay queen Agolla has left the group. Then there would be those slay queen cousins who made it to the list of people who went to England. Those shall have gone there with their own agenda probably sent by their mothers. “Ukifika huko, tafuta misungu pia wewe, unaona vile mama Meghan sahii iko na shamba kubwa na farasi?”. Two weeks after the wedding, they would have been seen jetting back in the company of their white husbands to be. Let’s not go into details about the husbands because we all know how blind love can be.

But since Meghan is not Kenyan and not anywhere near Luo, we will all just sit here and follow all the proceedings via whatever medium. I can however assure you all that at least one Luo will go live on the D-day. If not, at least three will be all over social media breaking it down to everyone who gives them audience all because they once went for a four-hour conference in ‘misungu land’ courtesy of the organization they work for.