Why men hate being ‘surprised’ by our women

The elders once remarked that ugliness with a good character is better than beauty. This has become the wisest saying from these ‘wahenga’ if what I heard over the weekend is anything to go by.

A pal of mine was surprised by his girlfriend. No, she did not buy him a brand new suit or a plot along the Eastern Bypass. She called him to find out where he was at midnight. Thankfully, he had just staggered home. He informed the girl that he was actually in bed. What she told him next astounded. It woke him up. Earlier in the evening she had told him that she was at a corporate function with her colleagues and she would probably call him the following day and see if she could join him for a movie in the afternoon.

But now here she was at midnight, calling him half drunken. After he had confirmed that he was in the house, she coolly requested him to open the door. She was actually at the door. Damn. Now let this go to the girls. There are a number of things you are allowed to do. Getting drunk with your girls occasionally is okay. Taking a road trip with your girls is okay. Requesting to accompany your man, when he goes to watch football is okay. To offer to split the bill is very much welcome. But you never should show up at your boyfriend’s place unannounced and past midnight.

That is uncalled for, that is unwarranted and that cannot be sanctioned by the committee of elders. A woman should be the one opening her house at midnight for her man. Not the other way round. This girl could actually hear her boyfriend talk across the door and she had the temerity to ask him where he was. She was hoping that he had not come to his house that evening and therefore she was thinking this is it. It is one of those ‘busted’ moments.

The brother who was narrating this was angry. To know that a girl could show up unannounced at the door past midnight in a bid to ‘bust’ her boyfriend is a confirmation that she expects to be cheated on. Therefore she must have a shortcoming and she fully expects her boyfriend to do a bit of ‘outsourcing’ to cover the deficit.

The guy was angry to the extent that he ignored all her pleas to ‘get warm’. The following morning in a bid to endear herself, she cleaned the whole house. But she did one thing that was unthinkable. She rummaged through the trash bin. What was she looking for? Had she mistakenly dropped something in the bin?

Now this brother is smart. Anytime he entertained a ‘visiting tutorial fellow’ in his house, he would make sure evidence of another woman in that house is securely contained. He would put used condoms inside the tetra packs used to pack milk. He would then twist the tetra pack into grotesque shape. But to his utter surprise the girl proceeded to open the twisted tetra packs. He opened the first one and found nothing. The second... nothing. The third... nothing. The fourth one, boom!

Right in front of his eyes she opened the pack and displayed the used condom on the table. Like a ballistics officer examining a spent cartridge. She sarcastically noted that he loved vanilla flavour. The brother for a moment contemplated denying. After all, American rap master Shaggy had taught men to blurt out ‘It wasn’t me’. But after he remembered that she had turned up unannounced last night in the middle of the night, and now this detective-conduct, he did what any sane man would do.

He told her to gather her stuff and get out of his face. Girls, we hate to be surprised.

@tonymasikonde