Do wives set the bar for romance too high?

A wedding is a historically recognised event that marks the genesis of a "till death do us part" bond between a man and a woman. Unfortunately some women start feeling unloved and unappreciated in the first year of marriage.

Many women have lamented that their husbands stopped being affectionate shortly after their honeymoon. Some women even walk out of the marriages while others go into depression thinking that their men may have changed their minds about loving them.

Research has shown that men are genetically less emotionally expressive than women hence this attitude can easily be misconstrued as unkindness or cruelty.

Take the case of Rose Egongo. She has been married for over 30 years to a renowned medical professor yet she claims that the only day she heard him say: "I love you" was on their wedding day. She says that for over 30 years, her husband's best friend has been his work.

"From a hurried breakfast, to the office, then back to the study and after dinner, he drops down, dead tired, and sleeps," she says. While her husband provides well for his family and she has no reason to doubt his fidelity, Rose fails to understand why he can never hold her hand in public or even sit near her in public gatherings.

When she questions about his distant attitude; he answers: "You should never doubt my love for you, you know I love you and what's more, I have never failed to provide for you." She says for many years in their marriage, they have never had a lover-to-lover conversation.

"Our conversations surround children and business; and even in this, my husband will only give money and really not get involved at all," she says. The mother of three states that her husband has failed to distinguish between provision and love; "It's not money I want; it's my husband even without money!" she says.

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Gender roles in African marriages have a big part to play in disintegrated marriages with some women saying that the traditional African man still belittles his wife.

Helen Njeri, a married mother of three says that misinterpretation of love by the woman can destroy a marriage.

"A wedding is just a day but the marriage will last a lifetime, hence people cannot afford to live in the honeymoon phase," she advises and adds that women should try to keep themselves busy so that they don't feel left out when their husbands are not giving them as much attention as before.

Her husband, Boniface Mwangi, a political activist and a parliamentary aspirant observes that men recover from the honeymoon mood faster than women because it starts dawning on them that there are more responsibilities in marriage than in dating.

"A man has to work extra hard to bring up his family hence the time for romance and being together all the time reduces," he notes. He further says that husband and wife ought to know that children will be involved in marriage hence it's no longer about the couple but the family.

"A man may be unable to help do the dishes when he's still keeping his family in a rented house; he can choose to look for money to make his family's life better," he counsels adding that a wife may misinterpret that to mean distance. Ann Gathuma, a relationship counselor notes that many men don't take constant pledging of their love to their wives as a definition of love. They assume that the wife already knows he loves her and it's unnecessary to keep rubbing it in. Nonetheless, Ann advises women to communicate their feelings to their husbands and says that asking for affection from your husband should come easily.

"If you can ask for money for a new dress, then you can use the same tactic to ask for affection," she asserts. The life coach believes that men are teachable and sometimes they may seem distant because the wives haven't expressed it candidly that they are feeling left out.

Ann further says that while it is their responsibility to provide for their families, some men will buy small presents such as perfumes and jewellery as a show of affection. Unfortunately, some don't.

She adds that some women expect their husbands to hold their hands or kiss them in public and be the same romantic guy she fell in love with. Unfortunately, not every African man will go out with his wife. For some, unless it is extremely inevitable, they will not accept to join their wives in public functions.

Even then, some of the men will not sit near their wives or engage them in a conversation in public. Some women, on the other hand, are very eager to show off their husbands and, like some men argue, engage them in 'unnecessary' conversations when they are in public.

Mercy Masika, a renowned Gospel artist says that she had to attend marriage mentorship in her church to hold firmly to her marriage.

"I felt so alone and sometimes I thought he didn't care! After the mentorship classes, I realised that my husband's love for me had not altered an inch but he was engrossed in work to ensure that we got a better life," she says.

Mercy advises women to grow up to the challenge of being a wife, mother, an in law, etc.

"The marriage package comes in all that and it is the duty of the wife to learn how to balance everything and still remain sober," she says.

Nasisia Kiura, a woman in her second marriage, says she wasn't lucky with her first marriage because she thought her husband no longer loved her and she quit the marriage.

"It was the most difficult decision I ever made," she narrates stating that the fact that he didn't seem to realise why she made that decision was annoying. She chuckles that when she remarried the whole process repeated itself.

"I have bumped into my first husband's wife several times and she looks like she is happier than I was," she confides and advises that women should make their own happiness in their marriages.

Nasisia observes that her second husband is more absent than the first but she would never make the mistake of quitting again.

Dr Rev Julius Kithinji, a lecturer at St Paul's University in the Faculty of Theology believes that it is unreasonable to expect people to keep the honeymoon affection "till death do us part." He emphasises that many marriages are failing because of the unreasonable demands that spouses put on each other.

"People should allow marriage to take the various contours that it takes," he says. He emphasises that learning tolerance is paramount in marriages and both parties should accept that like all human beings their lovers have faults such as having a difficult, disappointed or a frustrating day.

"Complete Christians are those who have been trained in godliness to love their spouses not because they have been perfect but because like God they have learned tolerance," he concludes.

Ann Gathuma perceives that some men - unlike many women - are not able to multitask and cannot write a detailed business report as well as text love messages to his wife. She advises women to start learning how their husbands express love in order to start appreciating it.

Some women, Ann observes, make a fuss about their husbands in public to communicate to other women that "he is mine." Insecurity is one of the main reasons why a spouse would want to shout on the roof tops to introduce her spouse.

Ann also points out that another key thing that makes spouses make a fuss is denial: if a marriage isn't going well, the most affected partner will want to prove to the world that "we are still in love". Should anyone notice they exaggeratedly show off their spouses in public, they should consider speaking to a marriage psychologist to establish if there is anything they may be running away from.