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Why you should not share a bed with your wife anymore

My Man

Carol is a terrible sleeper. She sleeps like a clock, she turns around the bed, like the minute arm of the clock. Often, in the night her feet kick your chin, and you are tired of complaining. She says, she puts up with your snoring, so you should put up with her unusual patterns. She has accused you of far worse stuff.

Whose idea was it that couples share a bed. You have been thinking about it lately. All the women you have dated had some sleeping disorder or problem. There was Julie, who practically died when she switched off in her asleep; you could whip her like a donkey or pour a drum of water on her and she will not be stirred. These meant, whatever she did when she was asleep (and she could let out really demons), she was not accountable.

There was another one who was not fond of a cologne. Let's say, her hygiene standards were on the underside of average. You put up with that. There was Hylene, who liked sleeping on your muscular arms, and she could be adamant being taken off the arms. And that stuff tires men like crazy, women should stop it. And there was your baby mama who always insisted that you cuddle after sex even when you were tired like an overworked donkey.

But Carol is something else. Since you married her, you have compromised so much. From how the house looks, to the accessories that should be stocked in the house, to the kind of guests who you should host (mostly her girlfriends and relatives, never yours) and everything, you have had to look away. She is the chief decision maker in the house.

One thing you want to debate with her is her annoying sleeping patterns. She can't demand that she sleeps on your arms, cuddles with you, and then go ahead to sleep as she pleases as if you don't exist. She is a light sleeper, any minor disturbance, such as a mosquito bite, she will cause such a kerfuffle that can be heard in Kisumu. She tosses and turns as the bed is a bouncing castle. You can't remember the last time you had some proper uninterrupted sleep. She is so selfish. Man.

So, last week, tired of her gymnastics you asked her if it is ideal to sleep in the other room or at the very least to buy an extra bed, because you can't really put up with her!

"Stop being dramatic. We are not 70-year-olds bored couples to sleep on separate beds," she shrugs.

"But you really a terrible sleeping partner, you know that right?"

She ignores that and says,

"There is no bed you are buying," and then walks away.

Why is she insensitive. Do other married men suffer this much in their matrimonial beds as you do. When you call dudes to compare notes, every man has a sorry story.

"I literally sleep on the far-end edge of the bed and she literally sleeps on the whole bed with the kid," one friend tells you.

"I hate that stuff of relaxing on my chest, or my arm. Very tiring, but how do you politely tell her to get off? Get used to it!" another one advises.

Others have spouses with far nightmarish sleeping patterns. You are forced to be thankful, even as you check the prices of beds online. This one you have to win.

@nyanchwani

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