When busted red-handed cheating, most men and women engage in crazy antics that can make for great entertainment.
For most weak-willed men and women, the urge to cheat is normally very strong and alluring to resist. Some literally scale walls, plead on their knees, cry and spend a lot of money just to have a taste of the forbidden fruit. However, when caught red-handed in the act, some of the antics cheaters engage in are so hilarious. If an ingenious Kenyan was to compile them into a TV series, they can make for great drama and comedy.
Kate shares with us a ticklish incident she describes as award-wining, if it were to be incorporated into a TV drama. She says she once dated a man who was a serial cheat and each time she busted him, despite the painful nature of the whole incident, she somehow found it not just dramatic but also hilarious.
"This guys never wasted an opportunity. But the interesting thing was that whenever he was at it, all his thinking faculties never functioned properly. One day I busted him on top of another woman and he had the nerve to yell at me, 'woman, what's wrong with you? Learn to knock the door! Why are you all up in my business? Yada yada yada..' as if him being unfaithful was none of my business," a giggly Kate recalls.
She says on one other occasion they were at a friend's party and he excused himself to make a call. He took too long and, out of curiosity, when Kate went to check on him, she found the tipsy man nailing a random woman in the car.
"I raised hell, screaming at him. But to my shock, he continued banging the equally tipsy woman and only raised his head to grumble, 'relax! Let me finish first'. Had I not caused a scene, attracting a crowd of revelers he would have gone on and on," she says, adding: "He was so used to cheating that whenever I busted him, he always became rude and expressed displeasure, making it look like he had the right to cheat and I was this party-pooper who had invaded his privacy. I, however, got fed up with him and we parted ways."
Strange tales have been told of cheating men who turn violent and beat up their spouse who bust them. Not long ago such an incident took place in Ruiru, Kiambu County. A wife busted her husband with another woman, only for tables to turn on her, with her husband unleashing terror on her 'for poking her nose into his business'! It took the intervention of neigbours to stop him. The man briskly walked his partner in crime to his car and drove off, leaving everyone is shock.
A cop friend to this writer told her how his colleague once beat up his wife for visiting him at the camp without his permission. The wife had come visiting and found her husband in bed with another woman.
Other cheats, getting busted in an awful moment of shame. They run out of words and act dumb. Some who try to speak hardly make sense. They end up mumbling gibberish or giving ridiculously lame excuses. They find the weirdest of the excuses – excuses that can make the devil himself gasp, "OOOH MY God!" in utter shock. We have, for instance, had cases in which pastors are caught red-handed and blurt out that it's the devil who misled them.
Women on the other hand always act dumb or blame their men. "You are the cause of all this, you are never home. You never give it to me," it's common to hear a woman plead when caught cheating. The cheek of it! Others break out in tears and start wailing out of guilt. A cheat will give an excuse that leaves the partner confused whether to 'hi-five' them on the face cry or just laugh out loud. Some act mad, turn violent or just blurt out the usual, "Babe, it is not what it looks like!" rubbish in an effort to extricate themselves. In other cases, the once bold and romantic man who was caressing his lover a few minutes ago, turns childish and cowers behind very silly excuses.
Men have learnt these antics from the best. Straight from one of the holy books, Adam taught them to always blame the woman. So don't get surprised when you catch him and he drops "She seduced me! I don't even love her. It's you I love".
Rapper Shaggy, in one of his most popular hit songs, 'It wasn't me' has taught men a lot. Deny. deny, and deny. Like Shaggy in the song, even after being caught pants down— literally, most men always deny!
Take, for instance, the hilarious incident that took place in Nairobi's Komarock Estate a while back. A man only identified as Kamau left neighbours in stitches after he pleaded insanity when his wife caught him red handed in the act with the house girl. The woman of the house, who had travelled outside Nairobi to celebrate Christmas, came back unannounced and found the man in the throes of passion with the maid in the living room.
Upon realising that he had been caught literally with his pants down, the man jumped off the sofa and started shouting incomprehensibly as if he were a madman. So convincing was his act that the woman, who initially was seething with rage, was duped into believing that indeed her husband had gone mad.
To show the 'seriousness' of his insanity, he banged tables, scattered tablecloths and pieces of paper all over the room as the housemaid got a chance to run to her bedroom. The wife followed the maid to her room and, instead of reprimanding her, pleaded with her not to leave them since she understood the state of her husband. She went on to blame unknown people for bewitching her husband who, according to her, had always been very faithful.
When Sandie Nyawira*, an IT Assistant in Nairobi, found her husband of three years in bed with her twin sister, he fumbled and dropped an excuse worth a thousand laughs.
"He said he was showing her how to lower her blood pressure by taking short breaths while lying on her back," says Sandie, amidst a chuckle, and quick to add, "Never mind, he is not a medic and my sister had no known condition or issues that would make her blood pressure act up!"
Sandie continues: She lay there on my bed, all naked and gasping for breath. I knew exactly what they had been upto so I asked him so many questions just to make a fool out of him. Trying to help her on our bed? With your pants down? Couldn't she be helped with her clothes on? 'Doctor' Evans could not answer any of my questions! He went dumb. Sandie has since moved out of the marriage and Evans and his sister are now living together.
Frank*, a Columnist and a Public Relations Consultant in Nairobi, confesses to this writer he once pulled a stunt that can easily get a slot in cheaters TV series. Hear him: "My then born again girlfriend once caught me in bed with another woman. I feigned a special kind of madness laced with spiritual hallucination. I talked all the pure Swahili I know complete with a coastal accent claiming Fatuma, the woman I was with was a demon. My girlfriend was scared stiff, she burst out in a come-to-Jesus talk and crowned it with a prayer to deliver me from the devil."
Frank claimed that he had earlier in the day heard a demonic voice 'command' him to take that strange woman to a hotel and for some strange reasons unknown or rather beyond his control, he heeded.
"Of course I was lying and acting. Esther, Fatuma's real name, was a lass I had met a few months ago at one of my client's house party. I later told the story to my boys and one of them also pulled a similar stunt – same script with a little twist," says Frank.
Mark, self proclaimed rogue bachelor, once feigned madness when his girlfriend busted him with a pretty young thing in the neighbourhood.
"I feigned unconsciousness and sheepishly asked them to explain to him what was happening. With a feigned face of surprise, I told my chic she looked familiar and asked her if we had met before. I turned to the other lady and asked her to remind me how we found ourselves in bed" narrates Frank.
How men expect their women to believe - or how some women actually believe them -- is still a mystery. Perhaps, we should blame it on this thing called love. The crazy antics just leave more questions pending. Take the case of the guy who said the room was dark and he thought he was in bed with his wife or the tipsy one who mistakenly put on his secret lovers underwear, only to claim he had bought it for his madam when she cornered him.
In a nutshell, stop cheating on your partners. But if, well, the devil makes you to do so and you get caught, get creative, it might just help you wiggle yourself out of the mess. Meanwhile, have a faithful Tuesday, won't you?
The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Evewoman.co.ke