A look into a men’s ‘Whatsapp’ group

Once upon a time, a social media group called 'Kilimani Moms' took the city – maybe even country by storm – and has now become a random tale-tell (and sometimes 'troll') force as far as virtual groups go.

Personally, I am in few 'WhatsApp' groups.

There is one for college alumni (where I make the odd contribution, and by 'odd' I mean both occasional and eccentric) and another for work colleagues (which is both casual and useful ) and our apartment block/estate WhatsApp group (which is in ICU, mostly because the dictatorial chairlady deemed it fit to 'name and shame' some residents who had not paid some service charges).

Then there is the 'MAFANS' WhatsApp group – a truly MEN ONLY space that consists of dozens of mostly EPL football fans, mostly in their 30s and 40s, most of them mid- 'middle class' in the sense that they stay in estates like South B, drive Japanese and blow a lot of dough on alcohol and male bonding during the August to May period that constitutes the average English Premier League season.

Here is a selected 30 minute slice of their masculine conversation (as captured between 2030 hours and 2100 hours last Saturday, before the Real Madrid versus Juventus Champions' League final).

'La Familia' sends 'Mafans' a real-time photograph of himself posing with a bucket of Malts.

Jack Ade – La Familia, I thought you take ONLY Heineken?

La Familia – Where are you, Ade? I can buy a bucket of beer for you.

Jack – I don't want to drink cheap beer on special offer at your local pub.

Ed Bett – Beer za bucket zimeharibika! Mafans waliendesha after kukunywa hizo pombe za promotion last weekend uko Gravity. I wish it was the ladies who do the promos who were on offer.

SK – Wine, here I come!

La Familia – Niko Brew Bistro.

Jack – Stop lying! There is no 'Brew Bistro' uko Eastlando!

Tony M – I think he meant 'Blue Beast-o!' bar. Rah Famiria shrubs.

Joneta – Me I'm at my local with a G (one thousand shillings) in the pocket. Hio itanilewesha?

Tony M – Drink alcohol at that dingy dive and you'll be so 'di-runki' you'll see Sunday sunrise from ditch.

Festus (Nasri) – Noted – no bottle opened! La Familia, why pose with waitress's beer bucket ya offer?

La Familia – I am past that level, bro.

Bett – We wacha! We know you! Socialite manenos (posing with buckets)!

SK – Socialites mtajipata kwa Standard. Kwanza with TM as part of this hide-and-seek.

Zagallo – That guy messed my name. He wrote kwa paper – 'for the sake of Arsenal, pliz Michy go and clear the bill you ran away with from Bistro, and left a waitress holding.'

Nasri – TM was doing his job, sahau hio! Where is our bro,Osuji? (Osuji has a deep voice like that ICC judge of similar name).

Zagallo – I left him in Club 1824 at 1830 hours. (At this point, it is 2100 hours on Saturday, 45 minutes to the final kickoff).

La Familia – You guys just 'enjoy' me but I've money. I'm putting five thousand on Real Madrid to win.

(Shows 'mafans' the picture of his bet, where he stands to win Sh13,200 if Real wins the match within the normal 90 minute duration). Mafans, is this risk worth it?

Aruga Joj (aka 'Gorgeous George') – Brother, put what you can afford. Finje pekee (fifty bob)!

Bett – Nigga has neither money nor education.

Zagallo – Stop borrowing money from friends (ati kuna 'emergency') so that you can bet on Ronaldo.

Nasri – Look who is talking (Zags), especially after we had to do harambee here (on WhatsApp) to clear somebaddy's Brew bills.

Joneta – Nasri! Learn to be kind to ALL animals.

So how did it all end?

'La Familia' went on to win the 13k (after Madrid beat Juventus four to one), and could now afford to drink the buckets of beer on promotion.

Tony M went on to write this article.

Zagallo and Nasri (who is the group administrator) got into a WhatsApp spat – and Nasri suspended Zags from the group (to join one Olobi, who was expelled). Zagallo's suspension ends today at midnight.

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