10 naughty remarks you’ll get from a matatu makanga

Kenyans are a very creative lot. Have you seen how Kenyans on Twitter corrupted the ‘Mimi si bibi yake?’ barb President Uhuru Kenyatta directed at Mombasa Governor Ali Hassan Joho? Or how they played around the recent statement by Nick Salat that he is KANU damu, stressing his loyalty in Kiswahili with the “Niko ndani, ndaani, ndaaani kabisa” emphasis, which has now been taken below the belt?

But those in the matatu industry are famous for coining funny words and statements that tickle passengers. They are also very rough on the tongue. Here are 10 ‘friendly’ insults which are often issued by makangas.

1. Yesu hajatoa ngoma

Nearly all city matatus play secular music to attract the youth. Woe unto you if you’re a graying and saved passenger named Habakkuk this and that, boarding a nganya from Ongata Rongai to Nairobi. Beseeching the makanga to play gospel music would be met with the retort: “Yesu hajatoa ngoma (Jesus hasn’t release a song)!” 2. Ungepanda fridge

The last three months have been one crazy oven for Kenyans. This sweltering experience could spill over into a fully-packed matatu from Kayole to the city centre. Uncomfortable passengers urging the makanga to assist in opening stuck windows are told, “Si ungepanda fridge (you should have boarded a fridge instead)! 3. Panda ambulance

You could be the passenger in a hurry to get to work before the boss from hell sends you a memo for lateness...again, and ask the driver to step on the gas. But his conductor, having overheard your concerns, would poke your shoulder with: “Mtu wangu, ungepanda ambulance (how about you just hope into am ambulance next time man)!” to the amusement of fellow abiria. That is if he doesn’t dismiss you with a similarly rude, “Ungetoka home jana (you should have left your house yesterday)!” 4. Ungesikiza mwalimu darasani

There are morning FM radio stations famed for entertaining passengers with morning talk shows pegged on relationships. In case the matatu radio is tuned elsewhere, a passenger might ask the matatu crew to badilisha station for which they are told: “Kama ungesikiza mwalimu  darasani, ungekua na gari yako (If you paid attention in class, you would have your own car and control the radio)!” 5. Toa huyu dame maziwa

Some bus stops, like the one near Mwiki in Nairobi are named Maziwa. And when its a woman alighting at the stage, some cheeky makanga would alert his driver with the naughty “Toa huyu madam maziwa” which is pretty funny in direct translation, as it could be misconstrued to mean that the woman should be milked! 6. Ng’oa kiti uweke mbele

Then there are choosy passengers who demand to sit at the front next to the driver because of extra leg room, and fewer bothering passengers. Stressed makangas on the Dandora route often tell such abiria: “Ng’oa kiti uweke mbele (just yank out the seat and take it to the front)!

7. More seats upstairs

Like passengers in six above, there are those who rush  to board fully-packed matatus, but  still ask the makanga kama kuna kiti? They are often sent away with a wise crack: “Kuna viti mingi upstairs (there are more seats upstairs)!” yet the matatu is a  rickety 14-seater plying the Kawangware route. 8. Ungekuja na kiti 

The Nairobi-Nakuru route has traffic cops who rarely mind when a 14-seater matatu has 50 passengers. The extras are mostly seated on wooden planks called sambaza, and which are squeezed between seats, pinching one side of your bottom. An uncomfortable passenger who demands a proper seat is told by the Lunje makanga: “Ungekucheko na kiti chako pwaaana (you should have come with your own seat mister!)”

9. Dere mwaga sasa

You have boarded a matatu from Kisumu with the makanga promising to take you past Kericho, but then you overhear the driver urging another matatu to wait in Nakuru where the crew shouts to the driver, “Dere mwaga sasa...wapande hii ya Nairobi.” Let’s just say that the sexual connotation is less than flattering! 10. Mbele iko sawa

It is no secret that the matatu crew are members of Team Mafisi (men who drool over beauties). And so,  when the makanga spots a woman with an ample ‘dashboard’ (bust), it’s not uncommon to hear him tell the driver: “Mbele iko sawa!”