My husband stole from me then disappeared

This weeks’ topic:

I got married five years ago but my marriage lasted only one year. I just couldn’t cope with him; he was too dependent on his family for any decision (even those specifically involving me and him) which was irritating among many other things. One day he came and swept the house clean despite the fact that I had bought everything on my own but he just came and stole from me. He then went underground and now I have found another man who really loves me even though I am still legally married to him, I want to finalise things with my husband so I can start a fresh but I don’t know if I should tell my current boyfriend about my past. Will he accept me as I am? Where do I start with the divorce process? {Veronica}

Your Take:

Veronica, what you are about to do is illegal because you are still legally married to your husband. If your current man knows your previous status, he will show you the door. Marriage is a respected institution not for joy riders. Once you start divorcing, you will end up a divorcee throughout your life. Remember what you plant today you reap tomorrow. {Carol Mwikali}

You must share with him all details of your past especially now that it has a bearing on your future. He may even provide guidance and advice on how to deal with the situation for benefit to both of you. If he is not comfortable with your past, move on just like you will not get back to your former husband. {Tasma Saka}

It seem you are torn in between two birds, you former husband and your husband to be. Have you ever tried to find out why the other man left you? Sometimes it is better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know. Try and involve your elders on both his and your sides to see if the issues in your marriage can be resolved and stop jumping from one man to another. Seek advice from all corners and make wise decision you may be leaving your angel to marry a devil. {Onyango Outha}

Veronica, for how long will you wait for an absentee husband? In this situation, I tend to believe that telling him the truth will save you a lot of trouble. The truth, however bad it is will always set us free. Come clean on this, start the divorce process and once it is complete, you can go ahead and marry your new catch. {Ouma Ragumo}

Counsellors’ take:

Veronica, the first thing I would seek to understand is the method by which you got married. Was it a formal, civil or customary wedding? If the marriage is formal or civil, the process may be somewhat longer and in most instances painful and expensive. A customary marriage will have some processes to end it but not as complex as the others.

Regardless of all these, there are sufficient grounds to file a divorce case but this does not in itself grant the divorce. For a formal marriage you will need a lawyer to spearhead the case and oversee the numerous legal processes that will be involved. It will come at a cost.

About your current situation, it is in your best interest to come clean early. This is a bet you have to take and there is no telling how he will react. The only way to find out is by telling him and crossing your fingers. If he is a reasonable man, he may even assist you in finalising the process so that the two of you can get things going. Men easily adopt to new situations and with a little tender love and care, he will come around.

A word of caution though, when you set the ball rolling do not act or appear to be desperate to keep your current boyfriend. Give him a chance and time to consider whether he is still interested in settling down with you despite the new knowledge. Make it clear that despite the fact that you love him very much, you will accept his decision and live with it.

The thing about men is that we cannot stand a desperate woman and even more interesting is that when a woman appears to be willing to do anything to keep us, we leave. When they set us free, we stay. It may take your freeing him to keep him but you also have to show some initiative by starting the divorce process.

So far, there has been no action from your side; this may be taken to mean that you are not entirely keen on the divorce and that you even hope that someday, he will come back to you.

Lastly, if things work out and the divorce goes through, bury your past and learn to live with your new catch. Accept his weaknesses or shortcomings. The thing to note is that every one of us has some weaknesses. Your situation is workable but you have to sort what needs to be sorted, early. {Taurus}