I babysit his kids unwillingly- is it my responsibility or is he using me?

Dear Coleen

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for nearly a year but I’m worried that I jumped into it too soon.

He’d split from his wife only a couple of months before we met, so was on the rebound. I now think he was also desperate to have some support with his two teenage kids, who live with him during the week as it’s convenient for school and college. They stay with their mother at the weekends.

I moved in with them after only three months of dating my partner. I also have two grown-up daughters, aged 18 and 20. The eldest is away at uni but the younger one lives with her dad – she didn’t want to live with my partner and his kids, although she does come to stay if I’m on my own.

Lately, I find I’m looking after my partner’s kids a lot, which makes me feel resentful and also guilty – if I’m going to look after kids, it should be my own.

If I say anything to my partner, it just causes a huge row and he reminds me that I knew what I was getting into when I moved in.

I can’t wait for weekends when his kids stay with their mum and I can have some time with my own daughter. I feel the romance has gone and that my partner is just using me as a carer for his kids, and I also have to compete with them for his attention. What’s your advice?

Coleen says

When you get together with someone who has children and an ex, you have to accept what you’re getting yourself involved with. So many people don't think about it carefully enough.

It’s a difficult situation for all involved – it’s hard for you, taking on someone else’s kids, but it’s hard for them, too, as they’ve had to get used to a new way of living and only seeing their mum at weekends.

But I understand why you feel as if he’s not bothered about you or that you might as well be a nanny. And you’ve done really well if he’s leaving you to deal with them a lot on your own.

You need to tell him that while you’re happy to be involved, you feel you’re being taken for granted and also neglecting your own daughter because you spend so much time taking care of his children.

The bottom line is, the relationship won’t work unless you’re both happy and getting what you need from it. It’s crucial you make the time and effort to reconnect as a couple and remember why you got together in the first place, otherwise the relationship is doomed.

If you can’t talk about a way forward without things erupting, then couples counselling could be the answer.