Ho ho ho! To hell with Mr Boss, Santa is in charge

Dear employers,

Just like our bladders cannot hold our pee the moment we get at the door of the washroom, our brains stopped cooperating the moment they realised the festive season is here with us.

This is that time of the year when we read the word ‘Deadlines’ as ‘Dreadlocks’ because we are already in a holiday mood. Big boss, this is not the time to set new rules and new standards, our concentration is as low as battery percentage in our phones because of the amount of time we lately spend on them.

Unless you are calling for a meeting to wish us a Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year, avoid assembling us in one room as much as possible. It will only lead to unwanted castles all over the air in the room. All we see before our eyes is Santa Clause riding on a chariot.

It is that time of the year when we are bound to keep time, especially when signing out at work. Please bare with us when we suddenly are not interested in overtime benefits. All we are interested in is that end year party that will send us far away from our work places as possible.

Big boss, if we did not finish that project in the last 11 months, I can bet my salary we are not going to finish it now. If you insist on making us finish it now, be sure to call an urgent meeting the first week of next year.

This is because that project will either miss a head, abdomen or tail; and you will realise it too late when we are already far away from civilization, not even our calls will go through. Just in case they go through, I again bet my salary we will not be in a position to communicate.

Not that we won’t pick your calls, but we will say ‘Hallo’ and that is just about the last word you will hear. Not that we are going to disconnect your calls, no, we will be on the other end frantically shouting ‘Hallo, hallo, hallo’ and insisting we cannot hear you.

We beg in the name of Amadioha, this is not the time to push us to the wall because chances are we will fall off the cliff. Then there’s always that small Satan in us always lying to us that we will not come back in January but instead we will be ushering the New Year with new job opportunities. Then another small voice that makes us jot down New Year resolutions will be telling us we can make good business people and kiss employment goodbye.

If you are keen enough, you will notice the walking style we will pull off while walking out the compound on the last day of work this year. We will walk as though we will never set our feet there ever again.

Then January will come, we will be the first to check in at work, approach you wearing the humblest and most promising faces as we recite the organization’s mission and vision. Then we will pretend to raise the first red flag about the mistakes in the project you forced us to complete in December, and because you shall have just jotted down new resolutions which we hope will be user friendly, you will fall for our tricks.....and that my boss, is how we will play it all over again next year.

NB: I am not in my right mind, do not dare touch my salary in the name of a bet.

From our desk, Merry Christmas Big boss!