You have been married for barely three months and you think you have seen it all. Marriage is not exactly what it is cracked up to be. It is overrated.
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You miss the good old days when you were single, free and had an opinion on what can be bought in your house. Now, you are barely allowed to even raise your voice in your house. Silence matters a lot.
You have become a philosopher. You have learnt many things about marriage, including:
1. Marriage is essentially a bachelor losing every single right over his household.
2. There is actually less sex in marriage contrary to what younger people think.
3. Your wife will not seek your opinion when hiring a house help.
4. Never talk to the house help. Don’t ever comment on anything about the house help. All communication to the house help must go through the wife.
5. Never give the house help any money. Even if it was to buy you pain killers. Send the money to the wife, who will in turn send to the house help to go buy you pain killers. If your wife’s phone is off, die.
6. For a man, have a budget specifically for eating out, for the days they prepare cabbage for you.
7. Your male friends will never be invited or entertained in the house. Go to the bar. But her female friends are invited. All the time.
8. Marriage will teach you tolerance and patience than nothing else will ever teach you.
9. Don’t touch or question her anything about her money. Give her your ATM, in return.
10. Pay the rent. Always.
11. If you want to annoy your wife for fun, let her pick after you. Leave your socks in the seating room, pants on the floor, toilet seat up, dirty clothes strewn all over. That drives them up the wall.
12. Your wife will never buy you a perfect gift. It is always a wrong colour, something you could buy a better version yourself, something you don’t need. Always say thanks.
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13. Buy your wife gifts. Chocolate and all. Take her to dinner in any of Nairobi’s fancy restaurants. There is no guarantee that she will cook you a better meal afterwards. But take her anyway.
14. She will never forgive you for any slight mistake. It lives with her forever. Forgive all her mistakes. They like it that way.
15. Never be friends with your spouse on social media. Less stress, healthier life.
16. Never ever question her budget for hair maintenance and cosmetics. Maybe it is equivalent to what you drink in a bar.
17. Never go to a nightclub with your wife, unless you are on vacation, in a far way place. Reason: you will never agree on the time to go home, you can’t ogle (you are not supposed but you can’t help) and she may smile at some man, and you may get violent.
18. Take charge of the bigger stuff in marriage. Women may like equality and all, may be richer than men, but they still want a man to be in charge. So, don’t be a sissy.
19. Find a way to fight marital boredom that sets in once you both become too familiar with each other.
20. As a man, learn to say less, listen more and keep your cool. She will get on your nerves, quite every day. Your marriage depends on how you can moderate your temperament.