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What men really talk about when they are alone

My Man

Ever since that political loser called Trump decided to defend himself against some smack talk about the ladies, saying it was 'locker room banter,' I have seen (and read) a few women speculating about what it is we men talk about when we're alone in The Boy Zone, away from prying female ears.

'Men Only' reveals all, but first, let's be clear – there are very few locker rooms anywhere in Kenya.

And if it is, say, a rugby locker room, the boys will be giving each other tips on the game if it is halftime, or pulling a post-mortem of the match, after the game. If in a spa in a five star hotel, those rich geezers in their sixties, if not talking business (plotting on plots or politics) are more often than not moaning about health, but with the glee of the optimistic hypochondria: 'I think I have a pinched sciata nerve!'

Everywhere else, it depends on the kind of male gathering that it is.

If it is a bunch of relatives, like long-lost generational cousins, they will talk family, who is doing what – and of course about the proud village/ estate girl, Nyawira, who is now married with five brats. Then the lewd dude will say, "Had I married Nyawira, she would have a 'foota' team – eleven boys." To laughter!

Talking football, these days, you will find groups of men discussing, with the earnestness of funeral organisers, what teams to bet on during the weekend EPL games. Liverpool or Tottenham? Man U or Man City? These 'lock a bet' mentality men have no time to talk about women. They are obsessives.

If it is a bunch of men from the office, you can expect talk about what's going on in the company (led by the know-it-all who speaks like he has sources at the highest echelons of the corporation), who is sleeping with whom for 'promotions' (from the water dispenser office gossip) and of course 'kula kwa macho' wishful talk from the gentlemen of #Team-O'Fisi (the Office Hyenas).

The worst offenders are, of course, 'player pals' who have been amigos for a long time, especially since their college days, but have not quite outgrown the great 'conquest' mentality. Let me be honest, when many men are young and in college, one of their macho games, purely for ego, to earn the 'hesh' (heshima) of their fellow college boys, may be to seduce their college-mates.

(Although in this age of the sponsor, I'm not sure if college ladies are taking this lying down, that is if they even have time for bad boys). If a chap is still on 'conquest' mode 15-20 years after he graduated from college, and still meets with player pals to compare notes, then Houston, you've got a serious mental growth issue.

Now that we are approaching 2017, let us not forget that group of men whose talk, all day, is about politics. They may begin their conversation on the topic of the Almighty Agwambo, and with such authority it is as if 'wako pamoja,' all the time.

They will then move on to how the 2017 election is a rigged, foregone conclusion; but how in 2022, the election will be a free for all. Six years before the event, you will find these compulsives fervently engaged in political banter about the administration of a certain candidate in 2023. And you'll laugh a little.

 

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