He doesn't know I have two children in 'shags'

I moved in and have lived with this wonderful man for three years. All this time I hadn’t told him that I have two children from previous relationships. He knows them but does not know that they are my children. Now my mother is aging and is requesting for me to take them with me now that I am somehow stable. I am pregnant with his child but I am worried about how he will react when I reveal what I have kept from him for all these years. I don’t know how to go about it and I am afraid that he will leave me when he finds out about this. Please advise me. {Sheila}

Your Take:

Sheila you have kept that skeleton in your closet for too long. Trouble is a part of life and if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you enough chance to love you. You cannot keep the secret forever and some day the children will want to know the truth.

Come clean with your man and tell him why you kept this information from him. It is difficult for men to accept children from other men but miracles do happen so do the right thing.

{Andrew Didy Chaplin}

Three years and you have not told him about your children? Now that you are pregnant, this will make three children. Better tell him now so that he can make a decision early. Tell him and give him time to make his decision.

{George Kariuki}

Sheila, you preferred to start your marriage with lies and secrecy on very delicate issues. As you fear losing him, I see you moving out of his house and soon you will talk of having three kids from three previous relationships.

Wait for the time when he is in his best mood and disclose this to him. Tell him why you were afraid to reveal this from the start. If he really loves you, then he will forgive and forget and see you for what you are to him. Relax and pour out your heart to him on what you consider important.

{Ouma Ragumo}

Settle this situation before it gets out of hand especially now that your mother wants you to take control of your children. Tell your husband the truth and discuss this in depth. He may also be having other children he has kept from you. Also, insist on getting married first before you spill the beans.

{Onyango Outha}

At times, it is good to say the truth so that it does not put you to shame in future. You did wrong by choosing to hide this from him and it is going to be tough for you. If the guy loves you, he will accept you the way you are no matter what. Those kids are a blessing but you ought to have informed him early enough. Open up and tell him everything to free your heart from lies. Handle this issue intelligently since the chances of his acceptance are only 50/50.

{Fred Jausenge}

The earlier you expose yourself to him, the better. If you let him learn on his own or bring it up later on, it may be dangerous for you.

Be honest with him and let him know your fears. If he is unwilling to take you in, then you can move on. After all taking care of your kids is not a life and death situation.

{Tasma Charles}

Counselor’s Take:

A fact is a fact and it will never change. You have children from other relationships, you have kept this from him for years and this is essential information that he ought to be in the know of.

Principally, I don’t think having children from other relationships is the major problem here rather failure to disclose. For the things we cannot do much about, it is usually better to disclose at the earliest possible opportunity. Failure to disclose only makes the situation worse and this escalates with time.

Those children are your children and while you made a grave mistake by keeping that from him, you continue digging deeper and deeper into this hole with each passing day.

 I know and appreciate your fears – they are genuine and any woman would have them being in a situation like yours. I also agree that men are highly sensitive when it comes to children from previous relationships. As such, these matters ought to be handled carefully to avoid unnecessary friction.

Having dug yourself into this hole, it is time you stopped digging further and started thinking about getting up and out of this hole. Find a way of telling him and take responsibility for keeping this away from him and if possible give reasons for this.

Beware that this may not go down well with him. Anybody is bound to feel cheated and taken for a ride. In such situations, there is no option but to set the ball rolling and hope that everything turns out well.

In relationships, it is difficult to predict the outcomes of such situations. However, it is essential that you put in as much effort as possible to apologize and to make him feel appreciated. He is going to feel cheated and taken for granted and yes, he may even consider leaving you.

But in relationships we sometimes hope for miracles because there is usually no way out of some situations. There are many possible outcomes to this but the two most likely are that he may choose to forgive you and stay or he may decide to leave. Leaving could be temporary and after soul searching, he may come back.

Either way these options remain in the unknown and while we cannot develop a strategy for each and every one of the possible outcomes we can however deal with them as they emerge and live with the consequences. Since these issues will come to light someday, it is important that you come clean on this early. {Simon}