Beware of these Kenyan bachelors

Hey single ladies, there is a new breed of bachelors in town that looks as attractive as that large pizza you are craving and sounds as soothing as your favourite love song. Having recently encountered a number of them, I gathered they:

Are always uploading photos

They will fill your newsfeed with photos that speak a thousand words and caption them with total lies. They will grab any chance to see off a friend or relative at the airport and take #Vacationtings photos complete with someone else’s luggage.

Of course they will never say where they are headed to for the vacation because they are heading nowhere. The actual vacation photos will never be posted. You will be left wondering if their plane ever touched down.

They will then go underground for a while and reappear with an update, ‘Guys I am back’. You wonder where they are back from; hibernating in their one-roomed ‘mansions’?

Have 'mouthwatering deals'

My fellow beauties, if you hear him talk about an appealing business deal for the umpteenth time with no visible fruits, take off your heels and run like you have seen Lucifer himself. That state-of-the-art machine he keeps talking about has been stuck at the port of Mombasa ever since you met. My friend, it will never leave that port, at least not with him as the owner.

If he calls you from nowhere to tell you he is on his way to attend a business meeting at a five star hotel, sweetheart, hang up and blacklist his number.

What does he want you to do anyway? Clear traffic so that he gets there on time? Or are you the one registering people attending business meetings? As a man, never tell a woman where you are heading if she doesn’t have a reason to know. We are not Google maps!

Have phones that look Kadudish’

We all know that a man who flies frequently and seals huge business deals must have a phone that matches his flights and deals. You cannot be having a ‘kadudish’ phone and claim to be the next big thing. These men always have excuses.

Mostly, they will tell you they have lost enough smart phones in the past and deliberately use ‘mulika mwizis’  to keep thieves off. If you hear any man give you such an excuse, run for your life and your phone’s life.

Know celebrities 'personally'’

When an advert comes on TV, he will quickly point out a character and claim they are related. Do not forget the Kenyan athlete who won a Gold medal during the Olympics is his neighbor in ‘Runda’. Oooh, and that chubby baby who appears in the diaper advert is his business partner’s son.

Remember the form he sent you by mail to fill and promised to hook you up with an advert? Mummy, he downloaded it from a website. Forget about appearing in any advert and work hard.

Will never take you to his house

Do not be fooled that ‘Yahayas’ are only in Tanzania. I think their headquarters is in Kenya, Tanzania is just a branch. They are always hosting family get-togethers and this family will ‘get together’ forever.

Ladies, if you see any ‘single’ man with such characteristics, block and blacklist them before the word ‘Deadbeat’ finds a meaning in your life!