Why you should give your child space to develop

Photo: Courtesy

Learning to compromise is central to being a happy parent and having contented children. We all have high ideals before we become parents, wanting the best for our children and expecting the best of them and ourselves.

Child psychotherapists refer to this phenomenon as the ‘imaginary baby versus real baby syndrome’ and it’s something most parents can relate to.

 It’s all too easy to see why it happens: we all care a great deal about raising our children and most of us decide we want to improve on the job our parents did, as well as the job we see other parents doing.

Ideals versus reality...

People tend to have this romanticised vision of what it will be like to have a child — they think they will behave in a certain way, and they think their baby will behave in a certain way.

But when it comes to the crunch, you don’t know how you will actually behave as a parent, and you certainly don’t know how your children will react.

Pre-parenthood, it’s almost impossible to imagine just how much you’ll crave a bit of time for yourself, especially as the wall-to-wall demands of parenting hit home.

That’s why resolution such as ‘our child will never watch TV’ only remains as such.

Learning to let go is a cornerstone of good parenting, as, of course, are the arts of compromise and negotiation.

Parents who try to control their children too rigorously will simply store up resentment in their offspring which will backfire in the end. On the other hand, it’s still important to set limits and boundaries so that your children know what’s allowed and what isn’t.

The best way forward has to be sensible compromise. You can’t be unbending, but nor can you give in on every count. In short, you’ve got to decide not just what matters most to you as a parent but why it matters.

But once you’ve decided, it’s worth keeping an open mind as your children grow older: something you ruled out at the age of one might be more appropriate at three or four years old.

The thing that matters most is that your child is healthy and happy, and if that’s your guiding principle you won’t go far wrong.

Sometimes, enabling your child to develop means giving her the space to start making basic decisions for herself and, ultimately, trusting her judgment. This process will take many leaps of faith but is something you will have to do sooner or later

Tricks of the trade

*Set clear boundaries on accepted behaviour and house rules, and try to make sure you and your husband both stick to them.

*Explain difficult decisions - such as why she can’t watch TV now - in simple terms. Your child can understand far more than she can say.

*Give your child active, positive choices such as:” Do you want to wear your blue top or your green one?” so that she feels she has some say in the decision process.

*Try not to get into a conflict with things you’d like to avoid — always watching TV in the morning, for example. Instead vary your child’s routine a little.