My son revealed husband's affair and now won't speak to him

He is friends with the other woman's daughter and he's been trying to catch him out for years

Dear Coleen

My husband and I have been married for 20 years.

I found out three months ago that he has been having an affair for the past four years. My 18-year-old son had to tell me. He is friends with this other woman’s daughter and the two of them had been watching their parents for years, trying to catch them out.

My son hates his father now and refuses to speak to him. I think my husband could be bipolar because he has a lot of anger issues, depression and can sleep at any time during the day.

He didn’t realize the woman he’s involved with is an abusive alcoholic until he moved in with her. I am trying to help my son through all of this and stay sane myself. Any advice?

Coleen says

It sounds like this is still very raw. Your husband has not only let you down – he’s let his son down badly, too. Naturally, your son will hate him right now because he’s hurting and he’s angry because it’s devastated your life, too.

If your husband does have some form of depression, that’s something he has to deal with himself.

He chose to walk out on you. Stop making excuses for him – it doesn’t give him the right to cheat on you for four years.

Your hubby hasn’t won the golden ticket to be fair – I think I’d pull the duvet over my head and sleep all day if I’d walked into that situation. But, as my mum would say, he’s made his bed and now he has to lie in it.

Your focus needs to be your son. Explain to him that while what his dad did was hurtful, you are fine.

You also need to reassure him that you both still love him as much as you ever did and, if it comes to divorce, you’ll make sure it affects his life as little as possible.

The lesson your son can learn is not to be like his dad because he’s seen the hurt it causes.

His anger will fade and it’s important for the future that you resist the temptation to badmouth his dad in front of him.

Keep any discussions or arguments around the separation away from your son and just try to keep his life as normal as possible as you negotiate your way through it.

Good luck.