Underwhelming dates: The three instances that cut me down to size

Sometimes, not all the time, the bad boy is on top of his game. Often, he meets his match, who cuts him down to size or a date so underwhelming, he wonders why he bothered in the first place. Three instances come to mind.

A few years ago, while at Club Sound - now defunct, I saw this lady, who, save for her weave, was the prettiest woman in the club that night. She was beautiful in the true African sense of the word; a little plump, well-endowed backside and radiated a sexy confidence and a snooty attitude. Possibly, because she knew she had it all. She was in a company of both male and female friends, ostensibly.

After nagging her to the point of being a nuisance, she gave me a number. I should have been wiser. She was a student at one of the top private universities in Nairobi. The following week, I called her, and she rarely picked my calls, only replying my texts, curtly. But if a woman gives me her number, I can be a nuisance until I get a definitive answer.

Then on a Thursday evening, I invited her to the Norfolk. “Norfolk? Do you work there?” She asked me.

In her mind’s estimation, it never occurred to her that I could afford to get her tea at the Norfolk. God forbid. A woman has never been so condescendingly demeaning. We never met of course; neither did I ever hear from her. It has become an insider joke among my friends.

Another time in Westlands, I saw this woman who caught my fancy. Dressed in a figure-hugging dress that brought her curves out well. She was the centre of attraction in the whole night club.

Every time she danced or stood up to go to the ladies, men drooled. They were in a group that did not seem to be in a hurry. With alcohol doing rounds in my blood stream, I was equally not in a hurry. I made it my mission to get her number as well.

I stayed the night until around 4am when she did the unthinkable. Towards the end of the night, as the number of revellers diminished, we then jumped to the dance floor for that last one dance. And soon, there was only her crew and our crew.

We got hungry and ordered some fries and sausages to kill off the otherwise exciting night. She joined us and it seems she was hungry as well. And she took to our fries and sausages eating nearly half of them. She completely ignored her male friends beckoning her to leave the club, prompting me to wonder who the men were.

While she had one hell of sexy body, she had brown teeth and spoke with the heaviest GEMA accent I have ever heard. Let us admit it, as Kenyans, we are very particular with proper English. Any accent is bound to kill off any vibe, regardless of hot looks. It changes the game.

And then, she said something incredible! She said, they were going to drink some more in some seedy place in Kileleshwa where people drink throughout the day. Precisely, not what I had in mind when I had decided to wait until I got her number three hours earlier. I was so disappointed I did not bother with the number.

Lastly, I remember a man nearly punching his girlfriend who had stepped back to whisper her number to one of my friends in a club in town. The man was so infuriated with her and I hope the woman is still alive, with all her teeth. I have never seen a man so enraged.

@nyanchwani

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