Does marriage change most men for the worst?

Despite the perception created by men that women change after marriage and no longer make an effort to look sexy, that they grow fat and dress sloppily for bed, men are not any better. Reportedly, marriage changes most men for the worst; some, especially those who are physically fit grow potbellies (which impacts negatively on how they handle their bedroom activities), others lose their sense of fashion by resorting to shorts and promotional t-shirts as their weekend wear. Others become so anti-social that they even shun their parents, relatives, and best friends. It could be the effect of a wife or it could be that the man is just undergoing a phase of personal change. In fact, women are often the first ones to see the changes in a man after they get married.  For most women, the man they marry often transforms into an individual they hardly recognise. “In 2004, I met my husband.  We met at a marketing and sales event.  We dated for a year and one month before getting married. He was like most decent men; not so much into alcohol, not so much into women and not so much into church,” says Regina Mwai, a single mother of one. She says that before they got married, her boyfriend had been caring and loving.  That he was understanding and never did anything strange. But once they tied the knot, he became aggressive, almost harsh.  He would talk down to her and even shout at her once in a while.  Turned violent The Nairobi based nurse explains: “I thought he was just adjusting to being married or something. But things just got worse. He stopped consulting me on anything, and when I questioned what he did - something he didn’t have a problem before we got married - he would turn the heat on me and tell me it is none of my business.” Then one day, slightly more than a year into marriage, he hit her.  A slap on the cheek. Because she asked where he had been for a good part of the night.  He didn’t apologise, or act remorseful.  He soon forgot it, but she didn’t. “Hitting me was the reason I left him.  The good thing is that we had no children together. I could not stay with a man who hit me. You never can tell what he will do next,” she says. Did she not see that during the one year of courtship?Shaking her head vigorously, she says, “No. He was the kind of man any woman would want to settle down with. Everything was in place and there was nothing, not even one thing that would have raised a red flag.” The loving and caring man who disappears after marriage is one man that many women are familiar with. The one who turns violent is normally an extreme case. Most men just stop taking their wives out, or buying them gifts, or honoring anniversaries.  The women also say that some men stop making the effort to make sex fun. They just do it to get done with it.  Other avoid being seen with their women in public, something that before marriage, they didn’t mind.  Failed bromance

However, it is not only women who complain about men who change after the nuptials.  Male friends, especially those that met in college, often lose the guy who gets married first.  They sort of just drift away. Sample this conversation that was overheard in a city bar.

“He will come,”  says one man. “No, he won’t,” says his companion. These were two men at Psys bar and restaurant in the CBD. They looked like they were in their mid-thirties and from their official dressing they must have been eight-to-fivers who decided to have a few drinks before going home for the rest of the Friday evening. At a table near the door, they drank and loudly talked about their day, as though they were the only patrons in the bar. After about one hour, one of them received a call and walked out.  When he came back he said; “Told you Javan would not come here. Anasema ameenda home kwa wife. “ Looking disappointed, his friend asks, “What the hell is going on with Javan? Why the sudden change after his wedding?” The two spent the next few minutes talking about their friend who couldn’t join them before turning to their beers. From their tone, they were not angry. They were just surprised that one of the ‘boys’ got married and since the wedding, he had given them a wide berth.

Visits less On August 13, Eve Mwende tweeted: “We all had that cool uncle... until he married.” After the re-tweets and replies we ask her what she meant and she sent this: “He was a cool guy working for the Kenya Navy. He used to come visit his mum often and the rest of the family members too. In 1998 he married this lady that has rained hell on his family and on him. The visits became less and the family bond started declining. Suddenly my uncle couldn’t do any favours for his family. Whether it was his mother or brothers or sisters that wanted something, he would never give them any assistance.” Mwende continued to explain that the uncle did everything for his wife’s family.  In 2008, he went to work abroad, still doing military service. The money, according to Eve, was good but the uncle she knew had turned into a man she could not identify. His ties with his family members weakened. With time, he completely forgot about his family and found it hard to even pay them a visit. The man completely alienated himself from his people. “Unfortunately, he ran into trouble and lost his job and that has not helped the situation one bit,” said Mwende. Mwende’s uncle is one of the many men who get married then turn their backs on their family members.  They identify more with their wives’ families. In circumstances where help is needed, they are more comfortable assisting members of the wife’s family than their own brothers and sisters.  But not all cases of men changing after marriage are sad tales. Some are positive and inspiring.  Brian Ochieng’ is one such case. He says that his marriage changed his life. Same salary “I don’t think it was my wife who did it. Or maybe she did. I work at a bank, my money is not much but it has sustained me and I had a few shillings left over for entertainment.  I had no assets.  In fact, all I did was pay rent and that would be it. Then I got married. I earn the same salary but somehow things have changed.  I now own two stalls in town. And we moved to a bigger house,”  says the father of two. He says that he now budgets for his money, something that he didn’t think of doing before marriage. Back then, he says, he lived one day at a time, never thinking of the future or putting anything aside.  He spent his money on recurring expenditure like rent and spent the remainder on leisure. He believes it is his wife, or the fact that he became a father and husband, that are responsible for the change .