Don't raise a moral robot

We all have witnessed families with teens and preteens with high moral caliber. These children are sociable, courteous, respectful, gracious, motivated, and genuine. In their families, love between parent and child is evidenced by their mutual respect for one another, and by the absence of rebellious conflict.

These children all share one common trait; a moral maturity that makes being with them enjoyable. Possessing moral maturity doesn’t mean he or she is all knowing and all wise in all things. It means he or she has reached a point where the values mother and father have taught them for many years have at last been internalised.

You can help your child to moral maturity by:

• Teaching her the way of virtue, not just the avoidance of wrong. Parents tend to spend more time and energy suppressing errant behaviour than elevating good behaviour. Thus, they often tell their children what is wrong and what not to do, rather than what is right and what they should do. This leads to serious moral compromise in the future. Because so much emphasis is placed on which behaviour to avoid and too little on which ones to pursue, the path to virtuous deeds is left undefined for the child.

• Restraint of errant behaviour must be accompanied by instruction in righteousness and by encouragement in virtuous living. Moral restraint and moral assertiveness are two sides of the same coin. Both must be taught by parents if a child is to have a healthy perspective of right and wrong, good and evil.

• Understand that moral training begins in parents’ hearts. Moral training begins with mother and father. One of the great credibility builders of parenthood is personal integrity. On the other hand, one of the most destructive forces in parenting is hypocrisy. Parental hypocrisy occurs when mother and father exempt themselves from the set of values they require their children to uphold. Hypocrisy bleeds contempt, leading to future relational breakdown. That’s why the moral rules we require our children to follow must also apply to us. There shouldn’t be double standards. A father can’t lecture on honesty and then, when the phone rings, say to his wife, “Tell them I’m not home.”

• Know the how and why of moral training. Often, children are taught what they should not do, for instance, do not steal, or should do, for instance, share your toys with your sister. However, parents consistently fail to teach the moral or practical reason of the behaviour. These children become outwardly, but not inwardly, moral. They must be taught how to act morally and think morally as well. Children who do all the right things without knowing why these things are right are moral robots. They often respond to situations and circumstances correctly, but not from any guiding principles of the heart. In contrast, children who govern their behaviour by moral principle are morally free, governing their behaviour by intrinsic principle, not extrinsic circumstances.

• Avoid legalism when giving instruction. Some parents go to the dangerous extreme of labeling behaviour either right or wrong, without considering the circumstances. This is neither accurate nor appropriate. When we value the law more than we do grace, we succumb to legalism. Legalists tend to see all decisions in life as either right (moral) or wrong (immoral).

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