Quarrels terrify the child

If parents quarrel a lot, a minor is likely to repeat this behavior in relationship with others of his or her age, warns JOHN MUTURI

While occasional disagreements are normal, no child likes to witness mum and dad quarrelling all the time. Many parents mistakenly believe that if they do not actually scream at each other in front of the children, the minor will have no idea there is any problem but that’s not it.

The non-verbal communication — gestures, unsaid comments, looks on faces, expressions in the eyes — is just as meaningful to a young child as the spoken word. Children are as sensitive to body language as they are to what is verbalised.

Children are sensitive to particular marital tensions — tension over one parent feeling the other is not as considerate as he or she should be, tension arising from emotions not being expressed openly, tension about matters not being discussed openly, and tension over one spouse feeling dominated by the other. If you have conflict over such issues, treat them as high priorities and make an effort to resolve them as quickly as possible.

Regular quarrels between parents can have a bad effect on their child for a number of reasons.

• Children need a stable family in which to thrive. If they feel this stability is threatened by repeated disagreements between mum and dad, they become unsettled. Loss of family security disturbs a young child.

• Parents who fight frequently are more likely to disagree about how their child should be disciplined, and this confuses the child.

• To a large extent, a child models his or her behaviour on parents. If they quarrel a lot, then the child is likely to repeat this behaviour in relationship with age mates.

• A child is affected by parental arguments because he or she wants to remain loyal to both of them, irrespective of the reasons underlying the arguments. Witnessing mum and dad fighting tears the child’s loyalties in two.

Negative feelings

However, disagreements are a normal part of family life. A child has to learn to cope with this.

Negative emotions such as anger and jealousy are experienced by everybody at some point.

But some parents feel that they, and their children, should always repress these negative feelings, hoping they’ll go away. In reality, this tends to have the opposite effect. Repression of such feelings induces even more tension into a relationship.

And a child brought up to think that only pleasant feelings are to be allowed free expression will eventually feel guilty every time she has an unpleasant thought. She has to learn that there are appropriate ways of expressing ill-feelings, that the release of negative emotions need not necessarily be destructive.

This doesn’t mean that you should have regular arguments in front of the children. But a child who sees that her parents argue, yet still love each other, will eventually understand that arguments and love are not mutually exclusive.

She will learn it is possible to be angry with someone and love that person at the same time. An occasional parental disagreement in front of children need not be harmful, if handled properly.

However, your child should never witness physical aggression or even the threat of it, between you otherwise she’ll become terrified and insecure.